Issues

The fact that you're dateable does not mean we are dating. It only means that I'm comfortable enough with myself to tell you that you are. It in no way changes the previous relationship unless you want it to. Since I'm just giving you information and what you do with it is completely up to you. And let's be honest, I don't give a damn what you do with it! I'm fine where we are and I will continue to be just fine on my own because that's how I operate. I take care of myself first. Selfish, but deal with it.

SO GET OVER IT!!!


Mmm...venting felt good. So hopefully under two comforters and two blankets, I will be warm enough to sleep. I hate my room because I don't think the heat works in it. It has been so cold that I laid awake in my bed for an hour because I was too cold to sleep. Even my nurses complain about it being cold. Fucking furnace.

Baby Plants!

I've got to stop reading Post Secret. Haha, like that will happen. I love imagining what people could possibly be talking about when their secret is really vague, like "I'll always hate you." Usually they're worded better and have a cool homemade postcard backgroud, but you get the idea. I love reading it, not necessarily because I share a lot of secrets with the people who send them in, but I love finding sayings that someone else has decided is important. Sometimes they apply and it makes me feel like a stranger is telling me to do something. Which is more powerful since a stranger doesn't even know me and if they can pick up that something or other has to change...that's bad and means it really has to change.


It is. I've decided this. I'm going to be fresh...like lettuce. "Bright and shiny." I'm not dark and twisty, so hopefully bright and shiny shouldn't be too bad to pull off. Not that I don't like where I've been, but I feel that I've tired of it. And my medical health stuff says it's time to move on. Given, lots of things will be the same (e.g. Post-Its and felt-tip pens), but some small things are going to be fresh! I think it will be nice. I don't view this as a resolution either. I've given up on those. They always seem to be too big and radical to accomplish. Thankfully the little changes have been happening since mid-November, so I'm golden. hehe.

Driving

And I'm really glad people can relate to that postcard. It makes me feel better to know I'm not crazy for feeling that way.

Waiting...

Outside from it being a great movie (Love Ryan Reynolds and Justin Long!), I'm sitting at home waiting to go out with Shie. It's funny, we go to the same school and we only see each other over breaks. I suppose it helps that she lives about two blocks away, haha.

I had a really weird dream last night about vibrators. And flashlights. And devices that doubled as both. It was really strange. I hope the weird devices stay a dream and are never manufactured!!!

I've been hanging out with people I haven't seen in a long time and that's been really nice. History with people is funny...sometimes. Anyway, I'm looking forward to our family Christmas either tomorrow or Sunday, I'm not sure which. My parents want to go to a men's basketball game tomorrow. I don't like men's basketball, so I have no interest in going. I was a little upset that we had planned Christmas for tomorrow and they find out last night about the game and decide to completely rework the plans. Yes, I know I'm being very very selfish. But they couldn't have maybe found this out sometime during the past week and half? It's not as if we've been cut off from the world with no internet connection or something. Grr.

Well, off to check out mall sales and stuff.

Moody

I'm feeling moody. This is how I feel:

WA

I'm in Washington right now. I love being in Washington. Unfortunately, I still have to be packed and dressed, but now it's only once a day, which is better. Even from 2300 miles away, I still manage to get into fights with people. Thankfully I have Malisa who made me feel a lot better. We'll talk again tomorrow and work on seeing things from a different point of view. I think Curlee will be involved.

I have to keep reminding myself that I love and need honesty in my life. Fortunately, I think I have some retail therapy coming my way since I am near Seattle and Nordstrom is nearby. I have successfully fallen in love with a pair of Coach boots. Interestingly enough I already own a pair of Coach boots, but they are functional and these new ones I have a crush on are less functional and more beautiful.

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Email

Link

Done

*sigh*

Moving on, things not so good on some fronts, but awesome on others. Retail therapy should fix everything else. And if it doesn't, at least I'll feel a little better.

PHP, Apache

really?!? LoadModule php5_module "c:/php/php5apache2.dll" is supposed to be LoadModule php5_module "c:/php/php5apache2_2.dll"

fucking A. And I had to go through an e-mail list to find it!! Lucky for me I clicked on the right message. Grr...

Environment

Today I'd like to focus on the environment. Couple things here, a Greener Gadgets conference in New York: http://www.engadget.com/2007/12/12/greener-gadgets-conference-in-new-york-february-2008/
And, UPS is trying to save gas by making fewer left turns. No, really. http://www.engadget.com/2007/12/12/ups-turns-to-software-to-cut-down-on-left-hand-turns/
Little things add up when you have a whole bunch of trucks.

Next I'd like to focus on Tyra Banks. I was watching the Oxygen network tonight because I was able to catch the last half of Love and Basketball, wonderful movie. After the movie was over, the Tyra show came on. Tyra is really annoying. And I fear she might be dumb too. Instead of worrying whether your handbag is fake, just buy from a reputable seller. China Town in New York is not reputable. Thanks Tyra!

12/10

So I'm having everything packed and dressed twice a day which is a boatload of fun. Other than that no real news. Life is a little dull right now since I'm not a school and I'm spending a lot of it sleeping. Oh well.

12/8

It's late, I'm kind of tired. In reality that's a lie; I'm really tired. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything and I don't have the energy to do so. I hate reading things on a computer screen and I don't have a printer down here hooked up. And it's freezing.

Classes

Here I am at home. It's very nice. A little cold, but other than that, very nice. I get exhausted extremely easily, which is irksome to me. I can't do as much with my days, which is even worse. I have a to do list which spans two post-its and today I've been able to check off maybe four things. Unacceptable.

Moving on. Dave Berque might be nothing short of amazing. He has been helping me out so much and just checking to see how I'm doing in general which is the sweetest thing he could possibly do! Class today pretty much wiped me out, so I'm hoping that a two hour class tomorrow isn't going to floor me.

Need more pain meds.

Painkillers are my friends

I got discharged from the hospital today and I'm now at home. Finally I can get a full nights sleep!

Painkillers are my friends

I got discharged from the hospital today and I'm now at home. Finally I can have a full nights sleep!

Painkillers are my friends

I got discharged from the hospital today and I'm at home now. Finally I can get a full nights sleep!

To Do: 11/18

• Move
• CS 296 Paper
• Study for OR
• Pack for Monday/Tuesday/etc.
• Get Jell-O
• Get low-sodium chicken broth (thanks Bryan!)
• Do all backlogged Comp Org HW
• WiCS Budget with Malisa

My Life is full of stuff and I think I like it that way.

I'm trying to think about what to write about today. Quick recap of my day: went to Great Harvest, a small child serenaded my family with Ariel's Lament from The Little Mermaid; it was fabulous! Went to Artist's Own, fell in love with a piece by Terry Duncan called Cutting Corners. It's colorful and sparkly and it has circles which are my favorite shape. Got Christmas tree ornaments from Glass Roots for Mom to take with her when she's traveling the first two weeks of December. Funny conversation:
Me: Why don't you get star or snowman ornaments, they're so non-denominational?
Mom: Erin, I'm going to Ireland.
Me: Oh, right...well, nevermind. Let's go with Christmas trees. I wonder if they have any virgins...

Also stocked up on rolling pins which my parents use as wedding presents. My French horn teacher's husband is a genius when it comes to woodwork and his pieces are just gorgeous. I always feel warm and fuzzy inside after we buy something from Artist's Own. I think I like supporting local aritsts and I like pretty stuff. Good reasoning.

Then it was off to Best Buy where they no longer carry what I wanted, but Amazon.com does, so I can still my geeky present for all my geeky friends. Mom and I did get a USB turntable for Dad for Christmas, which will be spectacular! Can't wait! I think I'll have Mom bring it in while I'm in the hospital and I'll mess around with it and start to write an intense instruction book for Dad.

Moving on to Victoria's Secret where I realized my mother and I have generation gap issues. 2 new bras which are spectacularly cute and new underwear because we all know I need that so badly and a free tote bag! Whee!

Then home for about an hour and a half and then off to a Purdue Women's Basketball game! Love women's basketball. Kathleen gave me socks and a hopeful card. It was adorable! Win against Butler.

Need to get Thank You cards.

I've come to realize I'm at a really good point in my life right now. I like where I'm at, I like what I'm doing, and I like whom I'm with. It makes me happy that I'm an honest person and not fake. I know this because I like all of my friends. If you don't like your friends, something's wrong and you aren't being yourself. Always, after conversations with my friends I think about how much I like them. Example: I talked to Haley tonight...I love talking to Haley. She always makes me happy and feel good. Even if my overall mood is shitty and she just lets me be shitty, it's good. And I feel like I get this good feeling from all of my friends because I'm hardly ever pretending with them which makes me supremely happy.

My mom used the word dispondent today. It made me smile on the inside.

I wonder if I get an AT&T Wireless card, that supposedly can find internet access in a hole and a lake, I'll get internet in the hospital. I don't think I can go for 5-7 days without it. It could get ugly. I think I'll go try to find my knitting stuff I have here at home. I hope I didn't throw it out.

Assignment Statements??

salsa = good
moving day = bad
Monday = bad
Nerd Factor = through the roof;

My Roommates Are Music Students

Today I was much less productive than yesterday, which is sad.
Productivity Review

• did laundry
• went to class and paid attention
• responded to Katy Teats (finally!!!)
• watched House
• compiled my Holiday Card List
• looked over org test to determine what problems I need to review
• decided to go into Harms' office hours tomorrow
• signed up with FastWeb for scholarships and internships (have yet to apply for either)
• returned Lauren's notebook
• decided I want to go to Best Buy and Victoria's Secret on Saturday

Obviously yesterday was way better as far as things that actually matter go. Sad sad.

Moving on, I checked my schedule for this spring and I got all my classes that I wanted!!! Whoopie! I'm so happy. That will take care of group 6 and I'll start two minors! After this semester I'll be done with another minor. Happy happy day!

I think that's all for right now. I've had a lot going through my head about future plans. Stuff like where I want to end up, what I want to accomplish, and how I see things going in a couple years. It's been weird. I know I'll change, but I can't think of myself as any other way but how I am right now. So I'm picturing future situations with the current me even though it won't be the current me. And if I picture change, it's not necessarily the change that will happen or the change that I want to happen. grr?

No Title, don't want to think

I feel I was very productive today. I went to class. I copied notes from days I missed. I helped Jesse with homework. I wrote Thank You Cards. (I forgot to go to Wal-Mart, will do tomorrow). I did another in-class example from Data Structures and I attempted one of the programming exercises, which didn't go well. I responded to my missed discussions for CS296 Can Computers Think? I brainstormed some arguments for my upcoming CS296 paper about the human race and their fear of robots and intelligent machines. I wrote a project outline that I can start implementing for the Linux Project. I organized a shelf for myself in the CS Lounge. I went to chapter. I went to an ACM Officers meeting to help plan their Hardware Presentation (still a little bitter about it, but I'm going to go with it and use it a jumping point *soul cleansing*). And now I'm going to try to get 8 hours of sleep.

Hopefully tomorrow can be just as productive!!

Internet = Life Essential

I'm very happy to be back to doing things. I have a to do list all ready for me to tackle and homework that's just waiting to be finished! Isn't it exciting?!? OK, while you may not find it all that exciting, I'm quite content with being busy and riduculously scheduled.

I'm currently very upset about my linux os and I would like it off of my computer. It's not recognizing my wireless card and I've followed instructions, so I'm a little peeved about it. Any os is rendered completely useless to me if there is no internet.

Thankfully my parents seem to be in support of my building my technology book collection. This means they get to go to Borders with me and sit in the technology section for a really long time while I look at books they have no clue about and then I get to try to explain it to them and they wind up even more confused. Book life is good. Linux life is bad. Post-it life is good. Figuring out summer life is bad.

How Things are Going...

Things are just going right now. The sun keeps rising everyday and I keep getting up for some reason, which I'm hoping will become apparent to me very soon because I could really use a reason.

Things that are going well:

• Post-its
• Jesse, Malisa, and Ashley
• the gateway mouse
• driving
• CS 296 Can Computers Think?
• Data Structures, pg. 717 #13
• Movies

Things that aren't going well:

• Linux
• PHP, Apache, MySQL
• Vista
• XWin Logon Server
• Data Structures
• Comp Org
• Bryan (not that we aren't going well, I'm just having difficulties and it's bad.)
• Appendix
• Microsoft Office 2007
• ASP
• Websites
• Best Buy
• Sleeping
• My family
• My desk
• Wheaties hat

I think that about covers it. Unfortunately, my bad list far outweighs my good list, which is bad. I'm a wreck. I need time off, but I've already involuntarily taken time off and I have enough to deal with from that as it is. Maybe I just need to be busy again so that every day I'm scheduled all day and then every night I will be so exhausted that I won't have time to think about things and I'll fall to sleep immediately. Then perhaps while I'm being so schedule some of the things from the bad list will fix themselves, well, I'll fix them, just at a scheduled time. And maybe then I'll stop being emotional and crying and breaking down everytime I have to go to bed. God damn it.

Things just aren't good for me right now and I don't know how to make them better. I don't how I can make them better. I want to start over.

Appendix

So, last Saturday was my sorority formal. It didn't go so well. Virtually right after dinner I started feeling sick and by 10:30 I was vomitting in the bathroom. Of course, I figured it was

Sparkly Pants

I think things are good. They might be bad, but right now they're good and I can't tell the difference. Maybe I'm jealous. I think that's it. I want that. Period. And I can't have it. I brought it up and never got an actual answer and I was never satisfied with the whole thing. But that's just how my life goes, isn't it?

kind of disgusting. ulgh.

BUT...IT'S A GOOD DAY. REALLY.

Just Not Sure

I think I did something bad. I think I ruined something, but I'm not sure. Sometimes, I can't keep my mouth shut.

The first baseball game

Hopefully hanging out with Ashley tomorrow and going to congress. I need to write a paper. World still crashing. : (

The first baseball game

Hopefully hanging out with Ashley tomorrow and going to congress. I need to write a paper. World still crashing. : (

So much.

My world seems to have come crashing down.

Purple, Again

I have been very busy. I have seven post-its left...that's how busy I've been.

I like helping people with homework, it makes me feel needed and useful.

I love being busy though, not too busy, but just right. That way everything gets done and I don't waste time. Unfortunately, being busy makes me a little moody, much less nice, and very on edge. This makes me take frustration and sleep deprivation on my friends, who really don't deserve that at all.

My computer still feels like it's out of commission. I'll be spending most of my weekend working with it. I've been virtually living out of the CS Student Lounge for the sole purpose of using the computers in there. I just remembered the other day that I completely wiped all my bookmarks; it made me sad.

I think I'm going to put Ashley on the Linux project after we get it started. I need to e-mail Gloria some questions about it and I'll also send some e-mails to Doug, Brian, and Ron. Hopefully we can get started on it this weekend. I should probably tell Ashley we're doing that this weekend, haha. Maybe she'll read this and get the hint : )

I've decided I'm going to like purple. I am going to like the color purple. I've been trying to enforce this new mantra by using my purple felt-tip pen a lot and by setting my aim text colors to purple. I think it's going pretty well so far.

I think that's it for now. Have a great Wednesday!!

Home

As it turns out, I've had enough of home now. Friday and Saturday, that was fun. Time to leave. I'm allergic to my cat and I can't seem to speak to my parents or have them speak to me without me getting annoyed. I'm such a bad offspring.

10/14

• Bikes
• Indy
• Christmas stuff
• VS Card
• sleep.

Dessert Wine

Ahh, home. I really like home. It smells like home. You know it's home when it doesn't have a smell at all, that's the home smell. When you're so used to it, you don't even notice it. I like my dog. She's so cute!!

I have a to do list tomorrow, quelle suprise! I'm going to get up and head to the Vision Walk to volunteer and get Foundation Hours. At this point I should have three. I have to talk to my mom about buying Campbell's soup, about 10 cans, maybe 20 if she's feeling extra generous. I wonder if boxtops counts towards Foundation hours, hmm. Hopefully I'll be back from the walk around 10:30. After I get back, I plan on working on the bike stencil and hopefully finishing the bikes. I need more paint, so I should probably stop by Ace on my way back from Indy. Then I need to print out a lot of e-mails. I think I need to install some printers on my computer too. There are two printers upstairs on our network and I want to print from them off of my computer. After printing important e-mails, like the one from Border's, I'm going to head to Border's with a possible stop at Starbucks. I'm going to get a planner and immerse myself in the computer section and be nerdy because I'm good at doing that. Hopefully by then it will around 4 or 4:30 at which time I will go home, pick out what I'm going to wear and go to Adrie's for her Hayride!

Sometime in the midst of all this, Malisa is going to call me and she is going to come over and we are going to be happy together, haha.

My parents took me out to dinner tonight and it was scrumptous! I had a grilled pork chop with an apple butter glace and sweet potatoes au gratin. Lucky for me, I have some left over!! I had fondue for dessert, *sigh* It was truly amazing and awe-inspiring. I tried three different dessert wines and I have decided that I'm going to be come a dessert wine conessieur. I like sweet things, dessert wines are sweet; perfect match. I don't think I'm ready to like wine wine yet.

OK, I really have to go to bed since I'm getting up pretty fucking early tomorrow morning!!

Stay tuned for my upcoming Sunday schedule, hopefully to be posted tomorrow...sometime.

P.S. Bryan do not let me forget to get my fleece blanket. If you do I will steal all the blankets every night for the rest of your life no matter where you live. : )

Purple

So, I'm not particularly fond of the color purple, yet I find myself setting my AIM colors to purple. And I really like my dark purple DG IM shirt. I just don't like a lot of purple I guess.

There are lots of things to do. And lots of things to think about. And there a lot of things that I can't fix.

Real Estate Agent Wanted.

I need to move. Preferably to a new state. I feel that I've spent too long here and I need to move to remind myself of how I actually am.

I moved a lot when I was younger and I might have learned that if you keep people at the perfect distance, you don't get hurt as often. This isn't to say you don't get hurt, but it just doesn't happen as much. When you move a lot, you don't become so emotionally invested in someone that it hurts to tears when you find out they really don't care.

I've already made this mistake twice. I almost want to keep making it because I doubt that I'm strong enough to not make it. At the same time, I'm very logical and I'd like to take the path of least pain. I guess I just don't see myself doing that.

I have to have someone.

I'm almost more willing to unload problems on people I don't even know. It's easier. You tell one person one problem and then you never see them again. That person doesn't actually care since they have no investment in you, but they'll pretend to since a person is actually quite caring if you need them to be for a short amount of time. That way I'm not putting too much of me into one person and no one person has to listen to everything I say.

Mmm...perfect worlds.

I have something to say, but I'm afraid to say it, so I think I might just tuck it away in the far recesses of my mind and not worry about for a long time. I'll hope that it doesn't sit there as something for me to ponder when I have nothing to think about and that it will go so far away I'll forget where I put it.

Procrastinating

I'm bored. I have a paper to write. And Operations Research homework to do. I did my org homework...and I get it.

I'm procrastinating because I don't want to write my paper and I have no idea what I'm going to write it about. It's supposed to be creative, or something of the like. I don't do creative. I do logic, reason, research. That kind of stuff. I just don't do creative.

I wonder what's for lunch today. *checks e-mail* Hamburgers and hotdogs. Sounds kind of good. I wonder what's at Kappa.

*Evil looks to the girl who's sitting at my table*

House. Good. : )

Repetitive

My life is on repeat. I go through one thing and it happens again. It's sort of like I don't learn. I think I do and that it will be different, but it's not. And I still haven't learned. *rolls eyes*

Tomorrow will be hard. There's lots of things that must be done and I see tomorrow as being an emotionally draining day. I'd really love to be done with things and wash my hands clean of them.

All I have to do is make it to fall break. Then I get to go out with my parents, see Adrie, go camping, and overall just take a break from everything.

I think I might have been too harsh with Jesse tonight. I'm just not in a prying mood. If you say you hate the world and I ask what's wrong and you answer because, I can't help you. So I told him that's nice and if he can't tell me what's wrong to stop complaining about it. He followed this by signing off. I have a way with people right now.

I need new-ness. I need something worth doing. I need something I want to do. I need something to care about because I'm missing. That's it, I'm missing. I'm missing from everything and I'm missing everything and everyone.

I wish I could get off repeat and move on.

Orgasm = Orange

Funny story, thank you Malisa.

I'm bored, tired, scared, dreaming. I had a dream that scared me. I didn't like it. I don't know how I'm going to get through tonight. It could be very very difficult and if I can't get through it anyway, I'll crash at Kendra's. The only thing I can see myself doing is crashing. It's bad. I don't know what I'm going to wear. Maybe black pants and a white shirt (shut up Bryan). I'll have to check my closet.

Moving Patterns

You know when you play Guitar Hero for a really long time and then you look at something and it starts moving. And how it's so much worse if that thing is patterned, like a wall or carpet or something. I just had one of those moments on this couch. It was kind of scary.

I might take a nap before my 2 o'clock starts. Radio show tomorrow.

I wish a lot of things, a lot of the time. Here's one I wish always. I wish people were always honest. It would be so nice if people could just be honest with things as they come up and say how they feel about it. Either there is an explanation they didn't know, or I can fix it and then everyone's happy.

Seriously, that way fights would be fewer and farther between. And the fights that did happen would be way better. I know this doesn't sound like me on a usual day, but I'm emotionally worn out. I'm just done. My favorite fight happened the other night. Someone yelled at me (they were being honest, so it was ok), then I left for a little bit, then they apologized and then I fixed the problem and it's all ok. It was spectacular. I hardly had to say anything. I think it would be so nice if everyone were honest. *sigh*

Node, haha

So now I'm pissy. Which is awesome. Spectacular. I didn't get enough sleep, which is enough in and of itself to make me unhappy. Truly, just exhausted. Maybe we'll talk later.

Rape of Africa

Africa is the most tragic occurrence of the modern world. Period. I think I'm going to read a book about it.

And I think I need to pin down my thoughts on religion, spirituality, and god.

Sniffle

I'm sick and I feel exhausted. At some point, I'm sure I'll get better.

Grey Skies

Malisa bought Grey's Anatomy Season 3 today. It's amazing. I love it. I'm still on the episodes I've seen, but I love it anyway.

Tonight Malisa and I had a nice conversation about relationships. It was about a three sentence long conversation. I'm afraid of being alone, all the time. I'm independent, but I hate to be alone. There are lots of things to be afraid of. OK, that's enough of that.

I'm sure I was going to say something insightful, but all I've got today is how I hate to be alone. I spend time with Malisa, Ashley, Jesse, Bryan, girls in my house. Maybe I'm going through a people phase. I'm sure I have people and non-people phases.

I wish I knew myself better. I wish I wasn't afraid. I wish I always knew what I wanted. I wish I could always have what I wanted. I take that back, that was a lie. I do wish I could have lots of things I want.

I'm glad that I'm not a static person; that I can change. I go through changes. Even though at any one time you can't think of yourself as any different from the way you are now. I remember how I used to be but I can't think of myself as going back to that and I can't think of myself as getting any better. Of course, that's assuming that when I change it's for the better.

I used to be passive, confident, but passive. Now I'm confrontational. I feel bitchy and like I pick fights. I don't know how I feel about that.

I want to be warm and fuzzy. But it just doesn't fit with me, I wish it did. I wish a lot of things were different.

100!

Kickboxing, not that fun. I miss my gym back home. It's my favorite!

I wish I thought of insightful things all the time. I wonder if that would make me smarter or annoying. Do violent video games really have an affect on young children?

Jesse told me that I'm more cynical than he is and that's bad because it's dangerous to my health.

My least favorite U2 song is Mothers of the Disappeared. I like Exit though.

*ahhh*

I am seriously feeling really good right now. Rugby was fun. I finished my paper. Everything seems to be going very nicely and that makes me spectacularly happy! I have to watch House tonight (damn, lol). Yay for kickboxing later!

My Thumbs Work

Malisa's thumbs don't work. Well just one thumb really. We played rugby this weekend. It was fun.

So rugby might have been the highlight of my weekend since Saturday went down hill from there. Ashley and I watched House, which was nice; I love House. I was in a really big funk and not happy and not really sure why. It was one of those times when I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't want to be around lots of people. In fact, I could only handle being around one person at a time. Then I got in a nice imaginary fight. Problems arise when doors are slammed.

Sunday was an improvement, minus the fact that there was no rugby, haha. I got out of Greencastle for awhile, which was nice. I feel asleep insanely early and actually got enough sleep. Crazy idea.

To Do

• post office
• Fine Print
• homework
• e-mail people

Good times.

I Pay Attention in Class

Interesting dealings...E asked how I was doing (hi Kendra!!). Haha, boy problems. My boy problems almost turned into an entire mental breakdown. *Laughing*

I read a lot of The DePauw today. I was proud of myself. And I drank lots of water. As it turns out, there are no restrooms in the basement.

I feel exhausted. I've decided to play rugby, which is quite tiring at 4 in the afternoon. I always have Operations Research homework and I don't understand most of it. I need to finish DG stuff and e-mail Dawn for picture and Melissa for Rho Gammas.

I wish I had something useful or insightful to say, but those days require a little more sleep. I think I might be getting sick : ( I've been coughing a lot and I think I'm losing my voice. Both things that are not so good.

Champagne

Perhaps watching Marie Antoinette was not the smartest of choices. Now all I want to do is drink champagne all day, preferably before noon and then after it.

"I drink champagne when I'm happy. And when I'm sad. Sometimes I drink it when I'm alone. When I have company I consider it obligatory. I trifle with it if I'm not hungry and drink it when I am. Otherwise I never touch it. Unless I'm thirsty."

Tequila

I'm still upset. Last night didn't make me any less upset, but for a few hours I was really happy and I forgot how upset I am.

Literally, I saw Caroline in the bathroom getting ready and I just about lost it. And then I went to go find tequila. Tequila is my angry drink, ask anyone who knows me.

Now I'm just tired of everything. I feel emotionally exhausted. I feel so indifferent right now. I guess those are today's emotions. "Today has been brought to you by exhaustion and indifference."

On a side note, sure no news is good news, but it's probably not good when someone comes storming into your room quite angry about what you last did. Just thought that what I had to say probably wasn't appropriate to put in a comment. Plus I'm not that much of a pussy that I can't say it to your face and that way you had a chance to respond.

I guess I'll go watch Marie Antoinette, the queen of indifference. Let me know if someone wants to do something. I kind of want to go to Avon...so...

Crisis Averted?

I think I'm doing ok. I could be wrong though. But for the most part, it seems that I slept well last night. Things didn't really go as I had planned; I haven't decided yet whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. I did have my mind made up about what I was going to say and what I was going to do. Perhaps I wasn't thinking that rationally. But right now, finding fault with myself isn't productive. Plus, it's not what I need. I suppose I'll see what Jesse has to say.

I'm pretty sure Haley is coming in tonight and I'm really excited to see her...or at least let her sleep on my couch. Or the guest room. Whichever, it'll do me good.

Fury

I'm so furious right now. I don't think I can even put it into words. Only a few select people will probably even find out what it's about. Cold rage.

Icy and Ill-Tempered

I don't have anything insightful or juicy to say today. I have a to do list. Which is really like every other day.

You know those songs that you just can't decide how they make you feel? I haven't decided how I feel about about Hey There Delilah. I've been listening to it for about 6 months now and I don't know how it makes me feel. I used to listen to it with Jesse because it was his and Kate's song. Even then I didn't know how it made me feel. It would calm me down, but then I was never sure if I was sad afterwards or inwardly happy. And now I feel like I associate the song with the entire breakup and that makes me sad, but I still love the song. I guess it feels weird to me to love a song associated with so much unhappiness. And I still don't know how I feel afterwards!!

Oh god, I'm being hit so hard by stuff that's happened. I can feel bad things coming on. Very soon I'm going to be very angry, cry a lot, and demand explanations. I can't believe I do this to myself. I feel so ridiculous, like I'm fragile or something. Which might be true. But seriously, at this point, that should be pretty well-known. Anger.

To Do

• Make bed
• set up desk
• set up tv
• go to blockbuster
• scent refills
• binders
• be so busy I forget to be upset
• rip dvds
• see if Jesse wants to go to Plainfield.
  

Spinning, a lot

Sometimes things happen to me because I'm here. It seems that I've actually acclimated myself to that. Probably not the best thing for me, but I've never really paid attention to that before so why start now?

Salsa was actually quite good; better than expected at least. Kyle and I took a video of us on my phone to see the quality of picture on my phone. The only way it could balance on its own was on its side. So the video is nice and to the side and I have no idea how to fix it. If anyone has any ideas of an editing program that would let me rotate the picture, please let me know!! Next time we'll test out my camera and see how that works.

Messy

*Sigh* my life. Love it. On the plus side, my hair looks great right now. And I'm wearing makeup which is even more impressive. Salsa tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. I'm not excited about it. I don't usually hold grudges, but if the same things happens enough, eventually I'll get angry about it. And then I'll stay angry about it. Like, for example, now! I'm just surprised that I'm going to have to start treating some people differently because they think they're so incredibly special. *rolls eyes* Oh no, I'm not bitter about this.

Thanks Kendra. I don't think we'll need to bring it this time. Maybe to Kyle, but you don't have to do that, I'll take care of that one. lol.

Thoughts from my Day Planner

Many women measure how much you care for them by how angry you get with them and how good your fights are. Maybe the more someone cares, the angrier they can get. Not because they like to be upset with you or mad at you, but because they only want what's best for you. It's as if, if they are able to show enough emotion to you to yell and be angry, then, theoretically, they trust you which translates into caring.

Perhaps it is absolutely true that before someone else can love you, you have to love yourself. At the risk of sounding conceited, you can't fully accept and appreciate someone else's love until you fully accept and appreciate yourself, thus knowing that you deserve the love someone else is giving to you.

Sometimes I wish I didn't attract assholes. I think I'll be done for awhile. I've seen a lot of feelings over the past few days; hurt, happiness, and love. It's just made me scared. I don't have the emotional capacity to feel so much emotion and if I had to feel that much, I fear that I would explode.

I know I'm actually a complex person with a great capacity to do a great many things, but sometimes I really do feel horribly simple. As if I truly am only able to feel one thing at a time and that one feeling must run its course before I can move on to the next one. Here's an explanation I like: Instead of being emotionally shallow and only having room for one emotion, maybe my singular emotions are so deep and intense that I can only concentrate on one at a time without causing physical repurcutions. That seems nice, like I really do have feelings.

I should start a movie journal. Sometimes I forget titles. This is a problem.

There are times when I wish I believed in god and had a big book full of beautiful prose and fanciful stories to tell me what is true and how to act. I suppose I have half of that in Emily Post's Etiquette. I wish I belived in something so strongly that I didn't question it and gave my life to it. But I don't. Rereading what I just wrote, I realize I don't want to follow anything unknowingly and I think I'm unable to give my life or my heart fully to anything. Does that make me especially selfish?

I wish broken things could be mended. I wish broken glass could be pieced back together to fit perfectly again. But that's impossible.

Ugly.

mer. I'm in Ohio. Jesse's a dork sometimes. But we love him anyway. hehehehehehe.

Moving on. Things are dramatic. I don't know how I feel about drama. I love drama when it doesn't involve me. Like when it happens on the other side of the house. Not when I'm oddly involved.

I'm going to go find out what the ugliest words in the english language are. I'm curious.

Cacophony
Faltulent
Phlegmatic
Plutocrat
Brobdignagian (personal favorite)
Crepuscular
Jukebox
Quahog

Things that Start with the Letter "W"

It feels weird when people I know get married. When I say people I know, I'm specifically speaking to people I went to high school with. Adrie got married. That in and of itself was weird. But that isn't really the wedding I'm talking about. Catherien Taylor and Jason Edwards got married!! Very cute and it was one of those things you always knew was going to happen.

Anyway, I was looking at the wedding pictures and so many people I know were in the wedding. They were all swimmers! I feel like it makes me almost sad because I'm not really close to anyone that I went to high school with. Exception: Adrie. I'm talking Missy Wilson, Robin Piercall, Rodrigo Iglesias, Matt Williams. Strange to me. I guess it's because Catherine and Jason stayed in West Lafayette. I feel like I left as soon as I was given a chance and I haven't looked back. In face, I'm pretty sure I've cut most ties to West Lafayette, excpet for my parents. That's my choice. Maybe I just get tired of places easily. *Sigh*

I remember in high school when Jason and Kristen were dating. Oh goodness, how awkward to think back on it. PDA in pools is soooo not right! For sectionals her senior year, she was warming up at lunch or maybe after school and she couldn't find her "stroke." I think she made Jason get in and swim with her. It was riduculous!

I suppose the main idea, which I haven't really said at all, but have been thinking is that I'm bad at keeping friends. I suppose that would make me a bad friend. Truly, I feel like I just don't keep friends for very long. Isn't that terrible? The friends I have now, I want to keep! I don't like this feeling. It's making me unhappy and I'm now furrowing my eyebrows and I'm sure I don't look very nice right now.

Well, I have to go find a pay phone and hope that I remember the pin number of my local calling card so I can call Emily and we can figure out where we want to go see Transformers. I'm way out in Escazu and a taxi to downtown is really expensive, but I don't know where the bus goes. I really don't want to go past Coca Cola, because I've heard it's really dangerous. I don't want Emily to have to take a 4,500 taxi out here. Even though the Mulitplaza de Escazu is really gorgeous. Hmm...I love thinking out loud!

Todo Tiene Su Final

So I haven't written in awhile. But I've been trying to do things like speak Spanish and figure the San Jose bus system. I'm now back at the Courtyard Marriott in Escazu. I'll be staying here tonight, tomorrow night, and Monday night. After that I'm headed back home for a couple days.

I love being here in Costa Rica, but I'm really happy to be going home. I miss everyone in the States. If everyone could be here in Costa Rica, I think that would make my life a lot better! I love speaking Spanish and I know my Spanish has gotten so much better since being here! I have actual conversations in Spanish with waiter, taxi drivers, random guys I meet in bars. On the bar topic, I'm very proud of myself because I didn't go out a lot while I was here in Costa Rica.

When I was in Peru, I went out every night and then I got sick! Here, I just didn't feel the need to frequent the bar scene. I've come to conclusion that a bar is a bar. They don't really differ that much from each other. I have this fear that if I go out, I'll drink enough to make me drunk and stupid which will successfully support the stereotype of the ugly drunk American; something I don't want to do! Given there were girls in the program who are that stereotype and it got so old hearing about how they were drunk every night.

I went whitewater rafting Thursday and it was so much fun!! I've decided that I want to continue rafting and that I'm going to learn how to kayak so that I can go down the rapids by myself in a kayak. Sigh!

I'm actually really tired, I was out kind of late last night. Night!

Favorite Update!

Current Favorite Song Lyric:

I'm miles from where you are,
I'll lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up,
and sets me down in your warm arms.

Still Here!

I'm in Costa Rica. I'm in class five days a week from 8 AM-12 PM. It's tons of fun, let me tell you. I feel like I've already learned everything in our class, so it's really easy. I probably won't get credit for it, which is frustrating, but my conversational Spanish is getting lots better. I've been doing a wonderful job of walking up to people I don't know and starting conversations. I did that Thursday night and Friday night. Thursday we meet some Ticos at Castro's and on Friday I meet some students from the University of South Carolina. I danced like crazy with this guy Kevin...fun!!

Yesterday at 7:30 in the morning, we went on a canopy tour of the Monteverde Cloud Forest. It was incredible!! We went zip-lining through the canopy and on a tarzan swing! Talk about leaving your stomach behind! Everything here is so green, I'm always amazed. This morning we hiked a little bit through the rainforest and decided it would be a good idea to cross a not-so-sturdy bridge, but everyone is still alive and doing well. Outside of the fact that it is raining outside and we're soaked!

Anyway, I guess Winter Term off-campus stuff is open again. I'm sort of annoyed, well not annoyed, just a little bit irked I guess. The two programs I applied to are now open *rolls eyes*. I'll apply again and see how it goes. I'm thinking that I'll only apply to the El Salvador trip since the Bank of Mom and Dad would be willing to pay for it because it involves Spanish and my major and this weird thing called "service." I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be as excited to front the cost of me going to Utah for the Sundance Film Festival. I've decided if I don't get into the El Salvador trip, I think I'll go to France over Christmas break and Winter Term. In the meantime I guess I'm going to try to live one day at a time and work really hard to not kill or severely maim everyone else in my ISA group.

I have really cool video footage of a zip-line and some pretty cool pictures that I hope to put up tomorrow depending on how long it takes to upload them.

I miss everyone a lot and I really love being here, but at the same time, I can't wait to come home!

Yay!

In Costa Rica!! Im using a world keyboard and I have no idea where the apostraphe is! Anyway, Im speaking Spanish...Im terrible at it, but thats ok. People seem to understand what Im trying to say.

Lots of Love!

"One of These Mornings"

I finally slept last night! And I got all packed yesterday!!

I have most of my Costa Rica stuff packed. I have to finish my carry on and throw some shirts (half-sleeve polos!!!) into my suitcase.

I've been really stressed and nervous lately. This whole Spanish thing is starting to scare me. I don't speak Spanish! Or at least I haven't for about 3 years.

I can't find a cell phone I like, so I'm stuck with the BlackJack. I just about flipped out at the Cingular/AT&T people today because I'm pretty sure they're incompetent. As a side note: the iPhone is cool, but not cool enough to buy for $499.

I have to go get some paperwork together and finalize all my packing! And figure out what I'm going to wear! And make a To Do List for tomorrow morning.

I'm going to miss everyone so much!!

"You see the smile that's on my mouth..."

"...Is hiding the words that don't come out."

Quick update because I'm tired and I want to go to bed...and yet, I don't want to go to sleep. It's an odd feeling.

1. I'm cold
2. Weekend was really good
3. Laptop is a piece of shit...will bitch Dell out this week
4. Want Mac. Period.
5. Happily N'Ever After = bad movie. I felt like I was watching a video game.
6. Packing all stuff
7. Going to Costa Rica, could be out of touch for a month, should review Orientation Guide thing.
8. Night.

Ow fuck , I just stubbed my toe and it hurts like a bitch!!

So, I feel like I have nothing to write about today. I get paid. I'm going home. Tomorrow I'm going to Chicago.

Bryan got a new bed. It's still up in the air on how I feel about it.

I have to pack and do laundry and maybe clean my room. Ulgh. My nose is sniffly.

Dog!

This is my dog...she's cute...I miss her. Anyway, I took this pic on my phone and it turns out I can blog from my cell phone! Overall, very exciting.

*Happy Happy Happy*

My mommy loves me lots and lots!!

I'm thirsty.

"Wild Honey"

Life seems to be going really well. I've worked a lot of stuff out.

I'm on hold at my doctor's office to see if I need a referral for my surgery that I'm getting today. I guess I'll do it either way since it's already scheduled. It doesn't hurt that much right now, but the pain from Friday to Saturday was way too much for me to go through again and come out without committing any felonies.

I have an urge to cook things. I think I'll make dinner when I go home tonight. Maybe I'll call Mom and see if I can use the Target card for grocery shopping. Plus I'll get to see Deb. And the new everything my parents got! I heard huge widescreen monitor. I'm flipping jealous. And Dad got a Sony Vaio. Basically, Mom is amazing and my parents rock my world.

So...Friday the iPhone comes out. I'm feeling some testing at Cingular. Just to see if I like it more than my Blackjack.

In the meantime, I have this thing with naming my posts song titles. I think that's really all the news I have for right now.

Seriously?

As Curlee would say, "Seriously?" And please imagine it being said exactly how he says it!

Truly I wish people would stop thinking that they a much bigger part of my life than they actually are. Drunk decisions don't lead to bad sober decisions, I'll have this thing called common sense on my side.

I'm done. Some things just aren't sexual and it's possible I'm over it.

Crux: lots of anger. I need to talk to someone. I wonder if Ashley's available. As usual, I wish Haley were here.

"Born under a bad Sign"

I think I have once again made a bad life decision. God damn it, where's Ashley when I need her? Oh that's right...she was at Fiji. Anyway, I'm pretty sure it was a good party. Silly Curlee, he can't remember the last thing he remembers.

OK, crux: bad life decisions and I don't know how they'll turn out.

Pain

I am in lots and lots of pain. I played in the rain and I stubbed my toe on the stairs coming back inside. This action pushed the already ingrown nail further into the skin causing it to bleed. This has caused me lots and lots of pain. So much pain, that I have taken 2 ibuprofen. In normal situations, such as when I'm sick, I only take medication if I'm dying. I have a high tolerance for pain. I know this from shots, infected cysts, huge blisters that cause the feeling of knives in the soles of my feet, along with numerous other injuries. I was attempting to go to sleep, but instead was brought to tears from pain. This is not good. So, I don't plan on sleeping and I will be driving to Lafayette around 7 am to hopefully make an appointment with a podiatrist. It's funny, I had an ingrown toe nail surgically removed a little over a year ago...from the same toe. This time, the nail is coming out from the root. It will be more painful and it will take longer to heal, but hopefully the ingrown toe nail won't come back. I asked last time if the nail was going to be ingrown again and I was reassured that it wouldn't be. Lies. Lies that cause pain. Physical pain.

Love to Jesse

and hugs.

That's all.

Breathe (2 AM)

I always want people to win. Maybe win isn't quite the word. I find this feeling especially apparent in movies. I always want the characters to come out on top, clean, successful, whatever. Oh wait, the term I'm looking for is happy.

I remember speech class in high school. It was a good class. I can't recall who taught it, but he said that, in general, people want you to succeed. It's just as embarrassing to watch someone be embarrassed. You're always rooting for whomever you're watching to come out of everything happy.

That's what I want. I want to come out of everything happy. But here's the catch, I'm not really sure what makes me happy. Or who makes me happy. I have lists of things that make me happy, but they're one time instances. You can't rely on mac n cheese your whole life to make you happy and keep your quality of life where you want it.

I've come to this conclusion: I don't like drugs. The illegal ones. They scare me. Not just "Oh my what's around that dark corner," but seriously scared. I start thinking about one mistake and how it can lead to every other mistake that will eventually ruin my life.

I did that once, the predicting of the rest of my mistakes. It was a car accident. It was raining and I had had my licence for...not very long. I rear-ended a van who in turn rear-ended a truck. Of course, none of our bumpers happened to be at the same height so they proved to be completely useless. I was on the way to some marching band event and I was supposed to pick up Adrie. I showed up a little late and I was an absolute wreck. Adrie sat me down and asked me what was wrong. She knew something was wrong from the messages I left her. I told her about the car accident and by the time I was done going through all the mistakes that I was going to make based on this car accident, my life was turning out pretty bad. I had this image of me when I'm upper-middle-aged, I work at a fast food restaurant and I live in a squalid apartment. (Yes, I actually know the word squalid and I did not use a dictionary or thesaurus). Thanks goodness Adrie has this uncanny ability to talk sense into me. Somehow, she convinced me that I could still go to college even if I got in a car accident. Yeah, sometimes my brain works a little fast and connects things without telling people what the connection is.

That was a fun anecdote. Main points to take away from that story: My brain sometimes thinks too quickly, my brain thinks very far into the future, my brain makes connections that most people don't follow and I don't usually take the time to explain them.

I think I need to stop seeing 3 am so often. It's around 3 and 4 that I start feeling weird. Like I'm not good enough. And really scared. And tired of doing everything that I do. Then I start to hate things and worry and miss people. I wish I had known my parents when they were young. Or known them on a non-parental basis. I thought about that today. Do your parents ever stop being parental? I assume no since at any time in your life, whatever you're going through they've already been there...twice. I like that. I always want to be able to call my mom and have her listen to me. She won't give me advice unless solicited, thank goodness. But every time she does give advice, somehow it's right and it works. Freaky.

The End. Good Night.

Claymation Puppets

Yesterday, Curlee bought Robot Chicken Season 1 on DVD. We've been watching it now for a very long time. I want real people. And when I say real people, I mean actors who pretend to be real people. I hope Curlee gets a new themesong stuck in his head before I kill him. Ooops...that slipped. Curlee is going to teach me how to play video games. It will be fun, I have no doubt.

SeaHorses

I have salsa tonight. I should go pick up my check. I have to write an essay. I should shower and attempt to look decent. Looking decent will take too long and I have too much to do today.

I don't think I'm going to like this week.

I don't really want to go to salsa tonight. *sniffle*

Devil's Advocate

I just watched The Devil's Advocate. I scare so easily. I'm afraid to be left alone in my house. I'm afraid of sleeping right now. I'm afraid of hanging my hand off of my bed. I feel like I'm scared of the dark.

It was cute though, I'm not exactly sure why Bryan didn't want to stay, but I can guess. I'm sure he thought I was going to make some sort of move on him, but I don't want that right now. I really just want to sleep with someone in my house right now. And I want to sleep with someone who isn't going to hit on me or ask me for favors or proposition sex in a parking lot. But I didn't have the energy to express that at the time. Plus my room is kind of messy.

But seriously, I'm freaked the fuck out right now. I don't think I'll be going to sleep until my body physically can not handle being awake any longer.

Tangerine

There are those times when you probably shouldn't get drunk and there are the times when it's ok. I have trouble telling which time is which. Thus leading me to get drunk when I really shouldn't.

Other than that, I had a wonderful night of dancing. And watching some Scrubs. Note to Ashley: Scurbs might be ok when you're drinking, the jury is still out.

Joel did slightly disappoint me. I was hoping to hang out with him today, but I guess not since he has quite a bit to do. Of course I think that's code for "I made plans and forgot about them last night when I made plans with you, sorry." It would make a lot of Joel-sense. Here's a pet peeve: if you say you're going to call to hang out or do something or whatever, even if you can't hang out, still call! That way you can tell me what's up and I can make other plans. Good idea, eh?

Maybe I'll take a shower, head to the hub and see if any movies came in Malisa's mailbox today.

Letting Go

Jesse says I need to let go and he's right. I want things that just can't be mine. Tragic, I know. I feel so cliche.

I want things that I shouldn't want. Things that would make me feel grown up and I'm not ready to feel grown up. I want to play with puppies all day.

I don't think I'll be home for Father's Day or my mom's birthday. I'm such a bad daughter, but I don't think I can handle that much driving in a weekend.

OK, off to bed for the night.

"When something's not right, it's wrong"

There is something wrong. Very very wrong, I can tell. I don't know what it is. I just feel weird and I don't like it. I feel like I haven't let myself take an emotional/mental break in awhile. Last summer there was Javi and Pete. Two boys that were oh-so-fun to deal with (afterall, hindsight is 20/20). This summer I get Bryan issues. Well, except this time I'm not sure what I did. Oh well, moving on.

Maybe for normal people, some of these random changes would be good, but for anyone who knows me, this isn't like me at all.

I want to be outside. I want to go running. I want to go on walks. I want to roll around in the grass. I want to drink beer or at least chick-type malt beverages with no intention of getting drunk.

I know these sound like really great things, but that's not how I am. Plus they come with a weird feeling and that's not good. I can't even place the weird feeling. I just know that Costa Rica will be a welcome break from everything. Maybe I'll work on not thinking and trying to enjoy myself and not plaster on smiles when I don't feel like smiling even if it's what people want me to do so they feel better.

I had a nice talk with Ashley tonight outside of our duplex. Tomorrow we should make lunch and then eat outside. That would be fun, I'll suggest it tomorrow if she doesn't already read it and tell me it sounds good.

Things That Are Just On My Mind

• Birth control
• Spiders
• Nicole Miller and Susan Kline
• Wine
• Chaise-lounge
• the cute dress I plan on wearing tomorrow with the necklace that goes with it
• Agronomy Office
• doing things Naked!!
• that Glory Hallelujah song in Saint Ralph and in a House episode
• How bored I am of TV and technology

Nothing gets crossed out

I feel like I have a lot on my mind and I want to write about it, but I'm not really sure where to begin. And once I begin I'm not really sure where to go with it. For about half of the things on my mind, that's all they are. They're just there in my mind, but I'm not even sure of my thoughts about them.

I still need to clean my room! It's making me angry it's so messy. I suppose I should start with making the bed...that always helps. Yay for a nice flat surface to throw clothes on.

Last night I spilled spaghetti sauce on my linux shirt *sad face* I have to wash that.

I had a to do list yesterday and nothing got crossed out. I'm so good at wasting time. I wonder if that could be a profession...I wish.

Spell it out!

Truly, Bryan just doesn't get it. I've spelled it out at least twice that I distinctly remember. Frustrating.

I went to Indy tonight with Malisa and had dinner with Ducky followed by ice cream. I miss Ducky. Lucky for me, we're going to see more of each other the week after next!!

I have the "I don't want to sleep alone" feeling right now. I wish Haley were here. I wish Jesse were here. They know how to fix things. Or at least tell me what I need to hear.

I think Malisa and I are taking a road trip this weekend. It'll be fun. We should probably find an address so we "know" where we're going.

I love t-shirts. Plain colored ones. That fit nicely.

To Do:

• Laundry
• Finish stuff for Mom
• Some ITAP stuff
• Starbucks, e-mail Hank
• find money and/or win lottery
• pack
• get dessert stuff for D Chi

Thai

Mental note to self: make this, it looks good. http://afridgefulloffood.typepad.com/my_weblog/2007/05/knee_surgery_ev.html

...addition

oh yeah, Adrie got married this weekend. It almost made me want to watch Wedding Crashers. But then I remembered that Wedding Crashers wasn't the movie that I wanted it to be...it was supposed to be better. So I watched The Devil Wears Prada instead, followed by John Tucker Must Die, and Freaky Friday. Love movies while working. Back to mapping things out on paper!!

Header

Doing work. Still being sadistic. Great times. Want to get my hair cut...soon. I think I'll straighten my hair tonight, enjoy the length while I have it. Or at least see how long it is.

Room!

I'm mostly moved in...yay!

Going to bed, so tired...yay for my room! Tomorrow I get to decorate it!

And if Ashley doesn't have a morning glow tomorrow, I'll be pissed.

Ecclectic

I had this crazy dream last night and I just need to jot down bullet points for what it was about and maybe I'll give a full description when I have time.

• French
• at night
• high school
• block too far
• little girl
• roof top, flying over, gorgeous
• girls lined up, special honor
• waiting room, death
• running away
• string of beads
• Harry potter
• knights
• barn
• damp hay
• no yelling
• two bottles of beer/water
• halle berry
• juicy juice
• flickering lights
• 3 years

hopefully I can write about this dream later...it'll be a long one, that's for sure!

Navy and White

Shitty day shopping...very unhappy about it. When I say very unhappy, I mean I don't want to shop. That's saying something.

I think I'm masochistic because I just love to do things that kill me on the inside.

Returning to how I'm going to revamp my life...I'm virtually failing at that right now. Maybe if I live in isolation for a bit that would help. Well, it would either help immensely or completely hinder everything.

A quick check to see how I'm doing? I'm stressed, I'm sleeping by myself, I'm feeling used, I'm unhappy, salsa drama is making me angry, I lack motivation, I'm tired and I don't feel like I can recover.

I should definitely not be spending the summer in Greencastle, it's just a bad idea. But hey, I'm a masochist, this could be fun and enjoyable...oh wishful thinking.

I'm going to go now and do...I don't know what I'm going to do, maybe cry about it for awhile, but I find that highly unlikely. I guess I'll try to get some sleep. Get ready tomorrow, here I...well I'll be there.

Eeeekk!!

And I just officially bought my ticket to Costa Rica this summer!! Woot!

Balance?

Life is good, but bad at the same time. I would say more good, but then it would be more bad. So I guess it's more of both.

Tango was fun...sort of. It's hard, but I'm going to do it and be awesome, just watch. Had a good convo with Marques. We should be better friends, mental note to self to work on that.

Straight Line

I'm exhausted. Finals exhausted me. Hanging out exhausted me. Drinking exhausted me. Dancing exhausted me. Driving exhausted me. Shopping exhausted me.

I finally did my nails; they were disgustingly long and it hurt to take out my contacts. I rediscovered Fire Opal, aka the perfect light summer color. It's a light pink that light reflective. I like it!

I've been thinking about different adjectives I use to describe things; mainly the words cute, sexy, and hot. So I use hot to describe an outfit. I use cute to describe everything else. I hardly ever use sexy. It's a reserved word. I was thinking about this while driving because I'm driving so much it makes for lots of free thinking time. Anyway, so I always use cute with Bryan, even if it really deserves a sexy. Somethings are cute, some are sexy, but I always say cute. Interesting. I think the word handsome needs to brought back. Handsome is so classy, it needs to be used more. I don't use it enough, but it might be on reserve for situations that include suits.

*Sigh* suits. I love guys in suits. I think I'll go ogle suits...Goodness...Brooks Brothers, I'm in love with you! And some Hugo Boss, the Boss Black Collection. *Sigh*

Well, I'm feeling tired again, so I think I'll go to sleep now. I took a nap today from 6:30-8:30. I've been awake long enough.

Done!

I'm done with school for three whole months!!! Talk about happy! I have some cute stories, but I'm about to go to bed. I packed all my bedding, so Bryan is being a doll and letting me crash at his "place" for the night. And he was all, "No no, I'll sleep on the couch"...how cute. Personally, I'm making the argument that I'm not a student right now since I'm not paying tuition! But in reality I have about week because next Sunday I'm back at DePauw working for them and that would be bad in general. Seriously though, I'm horny and I haven't seen Enrique in weeks since I really haven't had time. We all know how that throws off my life.

That was lots of sharing, I know. But at this point, I figure everyone is used to it. And since I'll be living with some of you this summer...you'd better get used to it, hehe!

"I've got to admit it's getting better..."

"...a little better all the time."

Seriously, it is. "I think I'll go for a walk." "I feel happy." Really, I do feel happy. Thanks, Monty Python. And I'm cold...it's freezing in Julian. But wait, I have a blanket in the CS lounge, yummy.

OK, in the CS lounge and under a blanket. But I really do feel happy. I don't like it when I'm angry; I'm actually a naturally happy person. When I feel angry I feel exhausted. But some anger you just can't get rid of by sleeping it off.

Cleansed and purged...nice feelings. Still cold. Exhausted, but not from anger, just stress. I want ... something. I don't know what I want. All my friends want to go home and that's all they want to do right now and I'm not like that. Where I'm living at any one moment is home. I guess when I'm in Greencastle and I say I want to go home I mean West Lafayette and vice versa.

I just don't know what to do at home. I feel so disconnected when I'm there. I didn't keep up with a lot of my high school friends because a lot of it was so fake. So, when I came to DePauw I decided to just be me and be real. I wasn't coming here with the rest of my class (a la Purdue or IU) so it was a good chance to start over and find people who were real. Given, there were 5 people from high school that were coming here, but I wasn't good friends with any of them, except Diddy, so it was ok if I completely changed.

OK, so I think I just became delirious and I don't like it. I think I need to sleep before studying. Nap...here I come!

Hurt

Seriously, I just hurt right now. I don't know when it's going to go away. I need it to go away soon. I don't like hurting. But I just talked to Malisa for a good 45 minutes in the middle of writing this post and I think she made me feel better. I have to talk to Bryan because we (Malisa and I) don't think he realizes how much he hurt me. I don't necessarily want vengeance or anything like that. But I feel like I do want a big apology. He should have known better. I should have known better. The difference here is that I've already admitted that I should have known better and I did apologize. But I don't think I've gotten a sincere apology from him. Not just a sorry, whatever. He did that one too. He actually whatever-ed things I said about how I felt. That kind of sent me over an edge. You don't ever speak down to how someone feels!

I blew up in the first place because he called me Ed...or at least I think he did. I was walking out of the room and I swear he called me Ed. The thing with that is, when we first met, I said my name was Ed and he refused to call me Ed. He made me tell him my real name so he could call me Erin. I liked that because you can't call someone you'd like to be involved with by a nickname. Yeah...foreshadowing while I was drunk...I saw it coming.

Videogames...whole other topic. I feel like if I will these things enough to happen maybe it could happen. Even though deep down inside I know that's completely illogical and won't work. But if I can just want hard enough for them to happen, maybe they will.

So it might be that you don't understand the last paragraph, but videogames have nothing to do with the rest of the everything else. I guess ask Malisa if you don't understand, she gets it.

Changes

So, I've come up with a couple of lists. One is how I see myself and the other is how I want to be or how I want to be seen by others. I think a lot of it is unfeasible, but I'm sure if I try really hard, I'll be ok. I guess, here goes...

P.S. this is me bearing quite a bit of soul...online, none the less! There has got to be something wrong with me. Like I said last night, "I have issues."

How I am

• bitchy
• lazy
• inflexible
• out of shape
• emotionally unstable
• unsure of myself
• honest
• dependent
• clingy
• financially out of control!

How I Want to Be (Things I want to do to improve myself as a person)

• independent
• caring...(maybe)
• in shape
• yoga
• hiking
• outdoor-sy (REI)
• physical and mental challenges that will make me stronger because I have to rely on only myself and not someone else
• honest, yet tactful
• stop being clingy and dependent on others, in general
• start saving money or have Mom cover more stuff than she does now
• attempt to stop being a greedy bitch

OK, so looking at this list, I'm realizing it's pretty daunting. Mainly it makes me want to quit trying. Ulgh. Maybe I just need more sleep.

Bad Habits

Bad things. I got in a big fight with Bryan last night. It was bad. And when I say bad, I mean I cried. I was drunk and crying...it was so very in character. But he finally got really really angry with me and that's what I wanted. I wanted to see something real, I wanted to see him feel something. Now I have the habit of looking to see if he's in his office. Which is very much like what I used to do with a previous boyfriend, although Bryan was never at that status. Obviously, I haven't changed much; looking to see if they're there and then trying to accommodate them.

I have bad habits when it comes to relationships and boys. Let's take a quick look at how the past year has gone for me:

• The boyfriend
• The conceited jerk who doesn't care
• The non-committal-can't-be-honest-with-you womanizer
• Another boyfriend
• The one that shouldn't have happened

Looking at that list, that's not a good year. I'm going to take a break for awhile. I'm going to go back to myself. Maybe I need to find more of myself. I'm going to make a list of the things that I am and the things I want to be. That's coming soon.

Hammock

I have done absolutely nothing today. It's been terrible! Well, nothing is a lie. I haven't done anything school related. I did get all the paper work for Costa Rica sent off today, like the housing questionnaire, the student contract, and the health form. That took up most of my day, I guess.

I have been meaning to clean my room for weeks now and it's bugging the shit out of me, but I just can't seem to buckle down and just do it! I have to start packing because I really want to be able to take a lot of things home this weekend.

All in all, I don't really have any rageful feelings today which is pretty flippin' awesome! Of course it makes for reading kind of boring, sorry!

New Phrases!

Sometimes I confuse myself. I make my life difficult. But I suppose it's ok and that's how I want it.

I'm in love with my new Vera Bradley baby bag. It's the perfect size for everything that I need to put in it! Warm fuzzies.

Yesterday I coined some new phrases.

• Awkward Fuzzies: They're like warm fuzzies, but it's the happy/silly sensation you get when something awkward happens.
• Smile Sandwich: When someone smiles and you think they're smiling at you and then you turn around and someone else is smiling back at them...you've been caught in a smile sandwich!!
• Cake Racist: When someone prefers one color of cake to another. I prefer white or yellow cake to chocolate cake.

Anyway, I'm going to go do work now. Yesterday I finished my smutty romance novel. It was so cute!! I love smut!

News?

I love the words news. It's so logical and people so rarely think about how wonderful it really is. News is something that new...and there's always more than one thing so it's always plural! Isn't that novel? Exactly.

So that wasn't the actual point of my rambling. On Friday I went to Fort Wayne and it was stupendous! I went with Ashley and we went to the Ver Bradley outlet sale *sigh* We met up with Kenny there and he was an absolute sweetheart. He carried my pink trash bag of Veras. All in all, I loved it! Then we went to an Italian place for dinner and I had pesto. It wasn't on the menu, but they made it for me anyway, talk about spectacular!

I had formal on Saturday. It was a lot more fun than I was prepared to have. I really didn't want to go, but it turned into an all around good time. I have to facebook the pictures because there are some really cute ones. Even better, Easter and I conversed in a friendly manner. I thought it went really well.

But in the end boys complicate my life and make me very upset. I think I'll probably go work out today or something. Wait, I'm going to salsa today from 6:30-8:30. Here's some super cool stuff to talk about: TangoIndy has a studio in downtown, so I think I'm going to start going there to learn tango! They're starting a 6 week beginner class and I'm going to do it. I don't have the money, so I'm not really sure how. I might have to call in help from my parents, which I hate doing.

Things I didn't talk about that happened:

• Friday, being upset about sleeping by myself
• Saturday, working out and being exhausted
• Fiji Isle
• Throwing rocks off bridges
• Having a near death experience by almost being hit by a train
• Breaking into Rector
• Plainfield
• Adorable Dress
• Claddah Ring
• Ashley shopping
• General boy problems

Truly

Officially, I'm broken. I think I'll spend the next month fixing myself. I don't know how I'm going to fix it, but I will. I'll dance and live with some of my best friends. I'm going to avoid things that break me. Although not the most mature stance, it works the best for a quick fix.

I Love Sam Rund

Sam Rund is a diabolical maniac. And, yet we love him anyway.

More importantly, Sam Rund makes me happy. He's always so peppy about things and he makes me feel like I'm needed. And we have great brainstorming sessions together. Sam Rund doesn't toy with my emotions. That's really nice of him.

I like Special K with Strawberries. We get along.

Wish

I'm unhappy and sad. I don't like to be unhappy and sad, but right now I feel like I don't really have a choice. I wish people would be more honest with me. I wish people didn't break me. I wish I didn't push things to the point of hurt. I wish I could just let somethings be and let somethings go. I wish I could accept things the way they are since there isn't anything I can do to change them. I wish he didn't assume I didn't want to talk to him, even if all I would be able to handle was a hello. I wish she wasn't a bitch who just stopped everything as easily as snapping her fingers. I wish she had asked me how I felt instead of demanding an apology I can't give. I wish I could cry and sob and shake because I maybe it would make me feel better. I wish tears could fix things.

Oooo

La la la...I just wanted to write a post since I haven't in just about forever. Anyway, I'm going to write a list in my next post...it will be awesome.