Second Thoughts

Hello again online world and non-existent following. Here are my thoughts for this past week: I've enjoyed swimming this past week. I know we're on taper, but I really did like it. But the thing is that, I hated swimming before Christmas. I would call my parents in tears because I hated swimming so much. It's a huge time commitment, yet I don't know what I would do with my time if I didn't swim. My spring grades probably won't be any better than my fall grades. I take that back, I really want my spring grades to be better than my fall grades. But since things just seem to be going ok right now, it makes me think that I really do want to swim next year. Another part of me is banging its head into a wall at the thought of going through another swim season. And what am I going to do in the off season to stay in shape? And this team isn't like high school. People on this team swim for the purpose of getting faster and being really good at swimming. I want to swim for the fun of it, to stay in shape, and other non-competitive reasons. And there are some people on the team that I just don't get along with. We're civil and such, but not close. I'm not really close that many people on the team. But since I've spent so much time swimming, I haven't had any time to nurture my friendships outside of swimming and my friendships inside swimming aren't necessarily that great. So now, I just don't know what to do. And I'm kinda scared to talk to any swimmers about it, but I don't know why. I just don't really want them to know I'm not thinking about swimming...or something like that. Maybe I'll talk to my mom when she comes on the 23rd for dinner with Connie, but I don't know...arg!!

Random Thoughts for the Night:

• WinZip
• RUSH
• Roses
• Mac 'n' Cheese

Oh my!

It's been so long since I've posted, sorry about that. And this will be really short since I want to go to sleep. Winter term (class wise) is over!! WOOT!! I still have practice and a meet this weekend. But I can't wait until tomorrow because I get to sleep in for as long as I want!

Random Thoughts:

• A button that has two boxes after it with random words in each box. The button will say, "Things that won't help." When you click the button the two boxes will change.
• Why We Fight
• RUSH!!

Whelmed

I feel so overwhelmed. I have my e-Portfolio meeting tomorrow and I just started on it tonight. I truly haven't had much of a chance to work on it, between swimming and class and co-curriculars and trying to get enough sleep to sustain my life, my e-Portfolio has been pushed back. I was really busy this weekend, I had a swim meet on Saturday and my parents came down for that. They stayed the night at the Walden so I was with them all Sunday too, with a slight hangover I might add. I think I have a headache and I never get headaches. The Diversity Dialogues today were...I don't know what they were. It was too deep and I'm not good at stuff that's that deep. I don't understand racial issues I guess, maybe because I'm a majority. I don't know, it makes my head hurt more. One thing this guy kept talking about was a Chinese stereotype. According to the stereotype, a Chinese man couldn't be as smart or strong or athletic or romantic as a white male. I'd never heard any of those stereotypes for Chinese males. I just...err. I can't think right now. I have a big day tomorrow and I will be functioning on not enough sleep. I'm really not sure how I'll do it. I hope I go out tomorrow night, I need some light-hearted fun...wink wink. haha. Anyways, I'm going to go to bed now.

Random Thoughts for the Journey into Dream Land:

• The little curl that sticks out from a hat in the middle of someone's forehead (not a specific someone, don't be stupid)
• Nemesis
• Coldplay and U2
• 07-24-37
• Crying...a lot of it.

Me and Ebs...being stupid, haha

...well, at least I'm smiling

12:26

I've come to realization that my entry titles really have very little to do with the subject...sometimes. That was a lie, I don't why I said that. It's 12:26, that would be the time I started writing this entry. I woke up early today and went to practice, kind of like everyday. Then I had an ITAP co-curricular. On the bright side, I didn't have class...YAY!! I like yellow. I watched Wedding Crashers today. Funny movie, not necessarily a great movie, but it's funny in the sense that we laugh at embarasing things. That movie provides plenty of embarasing moments. Tomorrow I have a meet, sort of excited about that. My parents are coming down for it. Hopefully we'll get to unloft my bed. I hate climbing the ladder to my bed. I want to do laundry tonight before my parents get here so I'm not doing it tomorrow or Sunday. I don't like doing laundry on Sunday, I feel irresponsible. Weird, I know. I've just discovered that the coloring is all off, but I'm going to do anything about it because I'm a web retard.

To Do (1/12/06):

• Laundry
• Pick-up room
• Clean off desk
• Call parents and ask them to bring a box
• Finish reading chp. 5
• Listen to All Alone
• Start on E-Portofolio

Random Things to Think About:

• Bookcases
• Ballpoint Pens
• Sweatshirts
• Sheep
• Deer
• Moose
• What do the previous three have in common?

Truthing

I'm not going to lie...my stint/streak as a good girl didn't last long. But I will maintain that it is not all my fault. Being the respectable girl that I am, I could say stop at any time. Wait, scratch that...I think by not saying stop I just proved myself to be not that respectable. I think the word I wanted was respected. A couple factors came together and yeah. This guy tells me that I shouldn't get involved with him, but I feel it's a little late for that. And since neither of us is doing anything to prevent involvement...

And he says he doesn't want a relationship, at least I think he said that, but if I wanted a relationship with him, I would certainly be going about it a different way...at least I hope I would be.

I'm done for tonight. I have to get up early for swimming. We have weights in the morning and then I have buckets. P.S. buckets suck. so does getting out of the pool, I think I have pool wall burns (akin to carpet burns) on my knees and they hurt.

Random Thoughts Before I Go To Bed:

• Heavenly Velvet Luxe
• I Heart Huckabees
• Sheets
• Darkness
• Mud
• Odwalla water

Good Girl

I've been a good girl now for four days. haha, Anyways, practice today was hard. I was heating my shoulder in the training room and someone bitched me out about how I should show up earlier so I wouldn't miss so much practice. Interesting thing though, I was on deck before we even started stretching. Hmm...Nikki is encouraging my homewrecking habits. Oh well, at least I've found something I'm good at.

Random Thoughts for the Night:

• Starbursts
• Odwalla water
• Knitting
• Nikki being a saint, oh wait, that's like hell freezing over.

Ice is Cold

This morning I woke up early. Really early...like 6:15 early. I don't like waking up early. Ice is cold, but I don't have to swim anymore and that's good. I'm sitting here in an ITAP co-curricular for e-portfolios. So now I'm going to go be productive.

House Special: Awkward

Well, once again I have managed to put myself in an awkward and complicated situation with a guy. He's in a rocky and complex relationship with someone, but it's sort of like a relationshit. In the end, I think both parties will end up hurt and that won't even be my fault. Anyways, I did somehow manage to put myself somewhere inside this "thing." I sort of wish this wasn't published to people to actually read. Not that anyone I know would read it...haha. But I'm just afraid of putting names and such. It could fuck me over pretty bad.

Someone told me I have a nice smile and it made my night/morning. I said that I never cry, but that I was lying. I cry at Forrest Gump at the same point every time. It's when he finds out he has a son and he says that little Forrest is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

I'm upset with John and Maria. First for dating. Second for hiding it from me. I don't mind them dating, it's not as if they need my blessing, it's their lives. But I'm pretty sure that Maria doing that to me feels like a stab in the back. Please don't mind the fact that I've liked John since last Christmas...or earlier. Or the fact that we were pretty good friends. Maybe this is me being possessive and obviously jealous. John didn't like me in a dating sort of way. He would have never thought, "Oh, I'm going to go do something social, I'm going to call Erin." But he thinks of it for Maria, how sweet. urg.

But the real slap in the face comes when they tried to hide it from me. For my heart, that is truly shattering. I feel that I've always tried to not be a high-maintenance friend. I usually request one thing of the people that I call my friends: they're honest with me. Whether it's that the skirt makes me look fat or I said something that really hurt or you're dating one of my best friends, I just want honesty. Yes the truth hurts, but ignorance is not bliss. Finding out that someone tried to hide the truth from you is crushing. It's like have the air knocked out of you, but I still smile because that's what people expect from me...I'm happy and smiley. I can't cope with that. I don't think I could manage to be in the same room. Yes, it seems petty, but trust is trust. I'm pretty sure that I won't speak to John for awhile...and Maria for a longer while.

I like to say that a situation is awkward only if you make it awkward. This is one situation that I would intentionally make awkward. haha. I think they've been together since at least Thanksgiving. P.S. Of course I'm not bitter.

I really have to go clean my room, eat dinner, and think of a different arrangement for my furniture. Hasta Luego mi amor.

Me and Linnea

Ebs and Steve fighting...oh boys.

Random Thoughts for the Evening:

• Forrest Gump
• Rush
• Deception and Denial
• Smooth and Sleek
• Clingy

No Harm in Charm

Had practice this morning. Ouch. Aversion to stationary bike seats. Co-curricular today: No Harm in Charm, required for management fellows. Can't think in complete sentences. Watching movie later today with Linnea and Schouten. Sore muscles. bye.

Morning.

I'm back at school :( I had practice this morning and now I'm really tired. I'm pretty sure winter term is going to be hell. My suitemates are so happy and cheery...sometimes it's just a little freaky. But then again, I don't think I'm ever really happy or cheery around them, so they probably think I'm a moody bitch...which, now that I think about it, wouldn't be too far off the mark.

New Years...Adrie and Danny came over. It was actually quite fun! We watched A Knight's Tale and drank champagne.

So remind me to tell you why I'm upset with a couple people later, I don't feel like explaining right now. I'm going to go pretend like I'm going to class.

Random Thoughts for the Morning:

• Mascara
• Special K
• Heavy eyelids