4/13/08

Right now I feel rejected and broken. I feel this at the absolute core of my being. It hurts. It feels like it will never go away. I don't feel special or unique. I've always felt under-average. I do things that might be different, but nothing is stopping anyone from doing them too. Nothing is ever new. It was just forgotten for awhile. You don't actually make discoveries, those things were always there. You just find out about them late. I need to plan more things. I don't need to. I'm torn. I don't know what to do with myself. My life feels strangely empty without Bryan. I'm not sure how I feel about it. But the things he did left me dumbstruck. Bunny, I need help. Serious help. I know you what I mean. Anytime we're together tomorrow, please let me know. I need it badly. I need reminding of how it's supposed to be.

Somethings I can let go, which I learned this week. I even tried implementing it, but I'm not sure yet how it's gone. This is just something I don't know how to let go of. I threw away all the shirts, hell, I wanted to burn them; it would have been more symbolic. I mean, that happened about two weeks ago, but I've only had the balls to mention it now. I can't listen to certain songs or I might spontaneously combust. I'm trying to fill my time, but it's hard. I just don't know what can be done. Of course, I have plenty to do. Glark, I want it all right now. I want to be done waiting. But that's ridiculous. Everything always looks better than it is and I'll want the old back afterwards.

I wish I didn't loose things over Bryan. That sucked.

(Side Note: Everything happened on a Wednesday. I was working on some project the day before, Tuesday. I slept in Julian that night. I had gone by the room and picked up some stuff. I was planning on gradually moving out and to eventually stop staying there all together. I guess I didn't want to worry about things anymore because I could see what would happen. I consciously looked out for things. I consciously did not put us in a situation that would be particularly bad. I don't think he realized that. I know he didn't know about the Tuesday thing because he told me on Wednesday that he noticed I didn't come back. I was going to take care of it myself because I could see what might happen. And then it did and then he screwed with everything. Of course, then my own life happened anyway. I guess it's just frustrating to know exactly what I was trying to prevent happened anyway, so there was no point to it to begin with.)

Of course, his end sucked more. But right now I'm just not that concerned with that. Certain actions will harden feelings towards a person or thing and Bryan just knows how to push my buttons. In a permanent sort of way. I don't even know what I want and that's why I have Ashley and Malisa. They can view it from anything other than my perspective and let me know what's healthy or at least what my options are. Then we can discuss a 20 minute conversation for weeks, thank goodness. Something just don't get old. *yum: Family Guy*