5/11/08

I haven't done anything today. I loathe my Spanish class and therefore have not studied for the final yet. I have gone to see Iron Man, gone to Plainfield for dinner, and had some fun times. While I was driving back with Ashley, everything hit me like a brick. Everything that has happened this year. I am this |.| close to a breakdown. It started in the car. I'm afraid I can't stop it. It's all hitting me. Right now. I want to go home. I want to be with my parents and I want them to tell me everything will be ok. That lost job, tumor, cancer, shitty professors, shitty academic petitions committee, losing a best friend, a supposed break-up at some point (I was unaware of this, but thought I'd throw it in), I just can't take it right now and I want to go home. I just want to be home. I can't say it enough. I knew this breakdown was going to happen. Someone told Mom that it would happen at some point. I've been waiting for it. But like so many other things, I'm so very unprepared to deal with it right now. I think I'll call Mom tomorrow. Like actually call her.

I've realized my mind operates in a future world. Very rarely I'm I in the "now." I'm usually in the 10-years-from-now. Do you ever think about your parents dying? My parents can make so many things better. When I'm sick or when I have to complain about something, if they're not here, who will I go to? I can't find better people than my parents and when I loose them, I know it will rip my heart out. And it won't be my usual pain of my heart getting uncomfortably tingly. It'll be a huge pain, like a knife pain. All the time and it doesn't get better. I hate being by myself. This is what happens when I'm by myself, all I see in my future is death and pain. Very very bad for positive thinking. On that note, maybe I'll go study Spanish.