5/23/08

Huge break down, check.

5/18/08

Suprisingly, I'm still alive. I need to call Haley tomorrow. I haven't talked to her in over a week and it's killing me!! She's so good about calling me because I'm awful at it. I got a bed today!! Queen size. I'm so pumped! It's being delivered in Indy next week. My mom didn't want to lose any of the beds in the house. My room is the second guest room. I guess it actually does come in handy. Weird. Suddenly my parents host all these people. Oh well.

Still grappling with ugly endings. I'm attempting to remember things as a learning experience. I read last month's MarieClaire today. Tina Fey has this marvelous quote about waiting until guys learn the what the hell they're supposed to be doing. I naturally ripped it out and I will probably be putting it somewhere prominent in my life, like in my planner.

Haven't broken down yet, which I guess is really good!! I think just being home and not having school and academic pressures helped a lot. At this moment I'm really tired and I'm going to go to bed. My ass hurts from a spinning class. Fucking bike seats, so uncomfortable!

5/12/08

Thankfully, due to a successful completion of my Spanish final, I think the imminence of the break down has been delayed. At least until tomorrow. Hopefully. I feel like I studied all the right things for the final, which is awesome! Maybe I'll pull off a B. Probably not, but hey, I'm being optimistic right now. Rare, I know.

5/11/08

I haven't done anything today. I loathe my Spanish class and therefore have not studied for the final yet. I have gone to see Iron Man, gone to Plainfield for dinner, and had some fun times. While I was driving back with Ashley, everything hit me like a brick. Everything that has happened this year. I am this |.| close to a breakdown. It started in the car. I'm afraid I can't stop it. It's all hitting me. Right now. I want to go home. I want to be with my parents and I want them to tell me everything will be ok. That lost job, tumor, cancer, shitty professors, shitty academic petitions committee, losing a best friend, a supposed break-up at some point (I was unaware of this, but thought I'd throw it in), I just can't take it right now and I want to go home. I just want to be home. I can't say it enough. I knew this breakdown was going to happen. Someone told Mom that it would happen at some point. I've been waiting for it. But like so many other things, I'm so very unprepared to deal with it right now. I think I'll call Mom tomorrow. Like actually call her.

I've realized my mind operates in a future world. Very rarely I'm I in the "now." I'm usually in the 10-years-from-now. Do you ever think about your parents dying? My parents can make so many things better. When I'm sick or when I have to complain about something, if they're not here, who will I go to? I can't find better people than my parents and when I loose them, I know it will rip my heart out. And it won't be my usual pain of my heart getting uncomfortably tingly. It'll be a huge pain, like a knife pain. All the time and it doesn't get better. I hate being by myself. This is what happens when I'm by myself, all I see in my future is death and pain. Very very bad for positive thinking. On that note, maybe I'll go study Spanish.

5/7/08

As a throw back to this past weekend, I think I'm going to start blogging in haikus. Not only could this be completely random, but it may not offer any insight into how my day has been at all. Then again, who knows? Maybe I'll get a series going or something.

house is a badass
messy hair subtitles straw
to do: image decryption

5/4/08

I guess I'm not really sure what to write at this moment since I haven't yet come up with phonetic ways to spell my sound effects. I get a little dizzy when I think about the things that have to be done this week. I actually get a lot dizzy. I'm eagerly anticipating my week long break. I need to talk to my parents about U-Haul stuff, or truck things. And beds. Ulgh. I'm not going to think about moving until maybe Wednesday and then I'm only thinking about it from Greencastle to West Lafayette. I won't think about West Lafayette to Carmel until...well, I don't know, but I'm not going to!