Room!

I'm mostly moved in...yay!

Going to bed, so tired...yay for my room! Tomorrow I get to decorate it!

And if Ashley doesn't have a morning glow tomorrow, I'll be pissed.

Ecclectic

I had this crazy dream last night and I just need to jot down bullet points for what it was about and maybe I'll give a full description when I have time.

• French
• at night
• high school
• block too far
• little girl
• roof top, flying over, gorgeous
• girls lined up, special honor
• waiting room, death
• running away
• string of beads
• Harry potter
• knights
• barn
• damp hay
• no yelling
• two bottles of beer/water
• halle berry
• juicy juice
• flickering lights
• 3 years

hopefully I can write about this dream later...it'll be a long one, that's for sure!

Navy and White

Shitty day shopping...very unhappy about it. When I say very unhappy, I mean I don't want to shop. That's saying something.

I think I'm masochistic because I just love to do things that kill me on the inside.

Returning to how I'm going to revamp my life...I'm virtually failing at that right now. Maybe if I live in isolation for a bit that would help. Well, it would either help immensely or completely hinder everything.

A quick check to see how I'm doing? I'm stressed, I'm sleeping by myself, I'm feeling used, I'm unhappy, salsa drama is making me angry, I lack motivation, I'm tired and I don't feel like I can recover.

I should definitely not be spending the summer in Greencastle, it's just a bad idea. But hey, I'm a masochist, this could be fun and enjoyable...oh wishful thinking.

I'm going to go now and do...I don't know what I'm going to do, maybe cry about it for awhile, but I find that highly unlikely. I guess I'll try to get some sleep. Get ready tomorrow, here I...well I'll be there.

Eeeekk!!

And I just officially bought my ticket to Costa Rica this summer!! Woot!

Balance?

Life is good, but bad at the same time. I would say more good, but then it would be more bad. So I guess it's more of both.

Tango was fun...sort of. It's hard, but I'm going to do it and be awesome, just watch. Had a good convo with Marques. We should be better friends, mental note to self to work on that.

Straight Line

I'm exhausted. Finals exhausted me. Hanging out exhausted me. Drinking exhausted me. Dancing exhausted me. Driving exhausted me. Shopping exhausted me.

I finally did my nails; they were disgustingly long and it hurt to take out my contacts. I rediscovered Fire Opal, aka the perfect light summer color. It's a light pink that light reflective. I like it!

I've been thinking about different adjectives I use to describe things; mainly the words cute, sexy, and hot. So I use hot to describe an outfit. I use cute to describe everything else. I hardly ever use sexy. It's a reserved word. I was thinking about this while driving because I'm driving so much it makes for lots of free thinking time. Anyway, so I always use cute with Bryan, even if it really deserves a sexy. Somethings are cute, some are sexy, but I always say cute. Interesting. I think the word handsome needs to brought back. Handsome is so classy, it needs to be used more. I don't use it enough, but it might be on reserve for situations that include suits.

*Sigh* suits. I love guys in suits. I think I'll go ogle suits...Goodness...Brooks Brothers, I'm in love with you! And some Hugo Boss, the Boss Black Collection. *Sigh*

Well, I'm feeling tired again, so I think I'll go to sleep now. I took a nap today from 6:30-8:30. I've been awake long enough.

Done!

I'm done with school for three whole months!!! Talk about happy! I have some cute stories, but I'm about to go to bed. I packed all my bedding, so Bryan is being a doll and letting me crash at his "place" for the night. And he was all, "No no, I'll sleep on the couch"...how cute. Personally, I'm making the argument that I'm not a student right now since I'm not paying tuition! But in reality I have about week because next Sunday I'm back at DePauw working for them and that would be bad in general. Seriously though, I'm horny and I haven't seen Enrique in weeks since I really haven't had time. We all know how that throws off my life.

That was lots of sharing, I know. But at this point, I figure everyone is used to it. And since I'll be living with some of you this summer...you'd better get used to it, hehe!

"I've got to admit it's getting better..."

"...a little better all the time."

Seriously, it is. "I think I'll go for a walk." "I feel happy." Really, I do feel happy. Thanks, Monty Python. And I'm cold...it's freezing in Julian. But wait, I have a blanket in the CS lounge, yummy.

OK, in the CS lounge and under a blanket. But I really do feel happy. I don't like it when I'm angry; I'm actually a naturally happy person. When I feel angry I feel exhausted. But some anger you just can't get rid of by sleeping it off.

Cleansed and purged...nice feelings. Still cold. Exhausted, but not from anger, just stress. I want ... something. I don't know what I want. All my friends want to go home and that's all they want to do right now and I'm not like that. Where I'm living at any one moment is home. I guess when I'm in Greencastle and I say I want to go home I mean West Lafayette and vice versa.

I just don't know what to do at home. I feel so disconnected when I'm there. I didn't keep up with a lot of my high school friends because a lot of it was so fake. So, when I came to DePauw I decided to just be me and be real. I wasn't coming here with the rest of my class (a la Purdue or IU) so it was a good chance to start over and find people who were real. Given, there were 5 people from high school that were coming here, but I wasn't good friends with any of them, except Diddy, so it was ok if I completely changed.

OK, so I think I just became delirious and I don't like it. I think I need to sleep before studying. Nap...here I come!

Hurt

Seriously, I just hurt right now. I don't know when it's going to go away. I need it to go away soon. I don't like hurting. But I just talked to Malisa for a good 45 minutes in the middle of writing this post and I think she made me feel better. I have to talk to Bryan because we (Malisa and I) don't think he realizes how much he hurt me. I don't necessarily want vengeance or anything like that. But I feel like I do want a big apology. He should have known better. I should have known better. The difference here is that I've already admitted that I should have known better and I did apologize. But I don't think I've gotten a sincere apology from him. Not just a sorry, whatever. He did that one too. He actually whatever-ed things I said about how I felt. That kind of sent me over an edge. You don't ever speak down to how someone feels!

I blew up in the first place because he called me Ed...or at least I think he did. I was walking out of the room and I swear he called me Ed. The thing with that is, when we first met, I said my name was Ed and he refused to call me Ed. He made me tell him my real name so he could call me Erin. I liked that because you can't call someone you'd like to be involved with by a nickname. Yeah...foreshadowing while I was drunk...I saw it coming.

Videogames...whole other topic. I feel like if I will these things enough to happen maybe it could happen. Even though deep down inside I know that's completely illogical and won't work. But if I can just want hard enough for them to happen, maybe they will.

So it might be that you don't understand the last paragraph, but videogames have nothing to do with the rest of the everything else. I guess ask Malisa if you don't understand, she gets it.

Changes

So, I've come up with a couple of lists. One is how I see myself and the other is how I want to be or how I want to be seen by others. I think a lot of it is unfeasible, but I'm sure if I try really hard, I'll be ok. I guess, here goes...

P.S. this is me bearing quite a bit of soul...online, none the less! There has got to be something wrong with me. Like I said last night, "I have issues."

How I am

• bitchy
• lazy
• inflexible
• out of shape
• emotionally unstable
• unsure of myself
• honest
• dependent
• clingy
• financially out of control!

How I Want to Be (Things I want to do to improve myself as a person)

• independent
• caring...(maybe)
• in shape
• yoga
• hiking
• outdoor-sy (REI)
• physical and mental challenges that will make me stronger because I have to rely on only myself and not someone else
• honest, yet tactful
• stop being clingy and dependent on others, in general
• start saving money or have Mom cover more stuff than she does now
• attempt to stop being a greedy bitch

OK, so looking at this list, I'm realizing it's pretty daunting. Mainly it makes me want to quit trying. Ulgh. Maybe I just need more sleep.

Bad Habits

Bad things. I got in a big fight with Bryan last night. It was bad. And when I say bad, I mean I cried. I was drunk and crying...it was so very in character. But he finally got really really angry with me and that's what I wanted. I wanted to see something real, I wanted to see him feel something. Now I have the habit of looking to see if he's in his office. Which is very much like what I used to do with a previous boyfriend, although Bryan was never at that status. Obviously, I haven't changed much; looking to see if they're there and then trying to accommodate them.

I have bad habits when it comes to relationships and boys. Let's take a quick look at how the past year has gone for me:

• The boyfriend
• The conceited jerk who doesn't care
• The non-committal-can't-be-honest-with-you womanizer
• Another boyfriend
• The one that shouldn't have happened

Looking at that list, that's not a good year. I'm going to take a break for awhile. I'm going to go back to myself. Maybe I need to find more of myself. I'm going to make a list of the things that I am and the things I want to be. That's coming soon.

Hammock

I have done absolutely nothing today. It's been terrible! Well, nothing is a lie. I haven't done anything school related. I did get all the paper work for Costa Rica sent off today, like the housing questionnaire, the student contract, and the health form. That took up most of my day, I guess.

I have been meaning to clean my room for weeks now and it's bugging the shit out of me, but I just can't seem to buckle down and just do it! I have to start packing because I really want to be able to take a lot of things home this weekend.

All in all, I don't really have any rageful feelings today which is pretty flippin' awesome! Of course it makes for reading kind of boring, sorry!

New Phrases!

Sometimes I confuse myself. I make my life difficult. But I suppose it's ok and that's how I want it.

I'm in love with my new Vera Bradley baby bag. It's the perfect size for everything that I need to put in it! Warm fuzzies.

Yesterday I coined some new phrases.

• Awkward Fuzzies: They're like warm fuzzies, but it's the happy/silly sensation you get when something awkward happens.
• Smile Sandwich: When someone smiles and you think they're smiling at you and then you turn around and someone else is smiling back at them...you've been caught in a smile sandwich!!
• Cake Racist: When someone prefers one color of cake to another. I prefer white or yellow cake to chocolate cake.

Anyway, I'm going to go do work now. Yesterday I finished my smutty romance novel. It was so cute!! I love smut!

News?

I love the words news. It's so logical and people so rarely think about how wonderful it really is. News is something that new...and there's always more than one thing so it's always plural! Isn't that novel? Exactly.

So that wasn't the actual point of my rambling. On Friday I went to Fort Wayne and it was stupendous! I went with Ashley and we went to the Ver Bradley outlet sale *sigh* We met up with Kenny there and he was an absolute sweetheart. He carried my pink trash bag of Veras. All in all, I loved it! Then we went to an Italian place for dinner and I had pesto. It wasn't on the menu, but they made it for me anyway, talk about spectacular!

I had formal on Saturday. It was a lot more fun than I was prepared to have. I really didn't want to go, but it turned into an all around good time. I have to facebook the pictures because there are some really cute ones. Even better, Easter and I conversed in a friendly manner. I thought it went really well.

But in the end boys complicate my life and make me very upset. I think I'll probably go work out today or something. Wait, I'm going to salsa today from 6:30-8:30. Here's some super cool stuff to talk about: TangoIndy has a studio in downtown, so I think I'm going to start going there to learn tango! They're starting a 6 week beginner class and I'm going to do it. I don't have the money, so I'm not really sure how. I might have to call in help from my parents, which I hate doing.

Things I didn't talk about that happened:

• Friday, being upset about sleeping by myself
• Saturday, working out and being exhausted
• Fiji Isle
• Throwing rocks off bridges
• Having a near death experience by almost being hit by a train
• Breaking into Rector
• Plainfield
• Adorable Dress
• Claddah Ring
• Ashley shopping
• General boy problems

Truly

Officially, I'm broken. I think I'll spend the next month fixing myself. I don't know how I'm going to fix it, but I will. I'll dance and live with some of my best friends. I'm going to avoid things that break me. Although not the most mature stance, it works the best for a quick fix.

I Love Sam Rund

Sam Rund is a diabolical maniac. And, yet we love him anyway.

More importantly, Sam Rund makes me happy. He's always so peppy about things and he makes me feel like I'm needed. And we have great brainstorming sessions together. Sam Rund doesn't toy with my emotions. That's really nice of him.

I like Special K with Strawberries. We get along.