Monday, March 31, 2008

3/31/08 (2)

I think I got a lot done today. I sent out a lot of important e-mails, well important for my life at least. Sent an e-mail to Dave, the biology teacher at Cloverdale, Chad and Beth Wilkerson, Melissa about formal, Freedom Smith. Tomorrow I need to send one to Gloria about a lunch date and the WiCS officers to plan a meeting. I think we should have one before the 9th. Tomorrow I may bug Brit, but I might be able to put that off until Wednesday night, depending on how things go. Tomorrow I'd also like to do the Lilly reimbursement form, taxes, and finish the infile with 3D array. It's not working and it's making me a little frustrated, but I think if I revisit it tomorrow it will be fine. I'd also like to unload my car at some point. I need to do HCI reading too. And I have an interview tomorrow, boo.

I can feel that I'm slipping at this moment. I need reassurances. I'm more likely to need it at night than at any other time of the day. People can't read my mind, so of course I have to say something, but I wish I didn't. But I understand why it's not something that's just said in conversation; it would upset me.

Today I found problems for the programming contest and I was so excited about the one with Euclid's Algorithm! I geeked out on Ashley and she responded by judging me. It was great. I was seriously pumped about it though. Tomorrow is going to be good. Period. It has to be.

I have no imaginative anecdotes right now, which saddens me. I wish I were creative right now, but all I can think about it what I have to do tomorrow. I can't wait for May! And then summer! And then living with people I actually want to live with!
Fuck you. I'm pissed now.

3/31/08

Things I wish could be changed:

*The links across the top of my iGoogle page. The links that are there aren't very relevant to my main Google account and I wish I could customize them so Calendar and Groups showed up across the top instead of, say Mail and News.

*In Google Calendar I wish I could condense shared calendars into one color or link those calendars to one I already have created. Take for example Ashley's schedule: I already had a color for Ashley where I kept her classes, Pep band, and ITAP stuff. She recently shared all of her calenders with me. That's four calendars now instead of one. I want to be able to put all of those events onto one calendar since I don't need them separate, I just need to know when she's busy. I'd love to do that with Danielle's and Malisa's schedules as well. **Or as Ashley had the idea to group the calendars under one heading and click just that heading to turn the calendars on or off.

I talked to Dave today about my senior project. I needed confirmation that I should take graphics and that I should take senior projects in the spring. I also ran my idea past him and he said it's a good idea. I need to focus it on one aspect of the interface to keep it manageable. I wish I had all the time in the world to do the whole thing. That would make me happy. As it is, I'm quite happy with Dave liking my project idea. And that I've taken or am planning to take all the classes that he recommended. Yay. Now I have to think about next semester. Do I want to take Compliers or Databases? Dave is teaching Compilers and Brian is teaching Databases. I guess I'll have to stop by again to talk to Dave tomorrow. Ashley is taking both, so either way, I'd have her with me which is good. I hope Jesse takes Graphics. I'm going to finish my To Do Lists and hopefully try to cross some things off.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

3/30/08

I wish I wasn't sleeping alone tonight. Since he wants a throw back to a simpler time, that's how it goes. Even though we don't sleep well together, I'd like to wake up next to him since I know he's honest with me and will be there for me. And will in general take my side. I think it's security; I feel safe. I don't have to say anything, but I can feel him saying that it's going to be ok. But that's how it is. I guess things change. I just wish I knew why. Maybe then I could change them back to how I want them or when they were simpler. I'll be fine. Jesse says so. Right now, that makes it true.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

3/29/08

So I was going to write something here, but I can't quite remember what. I went to see 21 tonight. It was good. I'm still waiting to hear Jesse's opinion. He inspired me to go. OK, so Ashley do you remember that time when I needed you to follow me everywhere and say over my shoulder "Ed, don't make bad decisions"? Well, you didn't actually follow me, but you were supposed to call/text me when I was making a bad decision (I think in this case it was Bryan) and you didn't so I ended up making some decision that shouldn't have been made. Let's not say this has happened again, but I wish you were looking over my shoulder. On the plus side, I know what I'm going to wear tomorrow. I don't know if Haley is going to be in town or not. I think I'm going to have to just go back to Greencastle. I don't like the sound of people snoring.

On a better topic, totally excited about watching Star Trek with John and Jameson's!!! Truly, can't wait! I've decided I have a signature drink, Thank you Costa Rica.

Transformers just started and all I want to do is go to sleep. I need to pack my shit. On the plus side I know what I want to wear so I know what to keep out. It's so fucking loud.

Just heard from Jesse...he says he liked it. Which makes me happy. Maybe I'll contemplate getting it for him when it comes out. OK, so I'm going to try to sleep while Transformers is on...I don't know how this is going to go.

Friday, March 28, 2008

3/28/08 (2)

So, things are still rather awkward. Huge yay. Watching Smallville. Tried to do some programming. It's always dark and I can't read anything. I'm seriously watching Smallville right now and I think it's rather worthless. I hope we're going out tonight to I get to meet more people, hopefully drink something and then go to bed in an alcohol induced stupor and sleep half the day away tomorrow. Great. Goodness, I find my life truly frustrating. Maybe I'll take a shower. I could straighten my hair. But then I would look decent and overall socially acceptable, which really isn't what I'm going for. AAhhhh!!!

I need my fab four!

3/28/08

Last night we went to some sports bar, which was fun. I met Joe, who he works with. Basically until it was time to go to bed, everything was fine. I was probably a little drunk and he tried some moves on me and I was pretty much like no. I know right now I can't, that's all there is to it. I can't. Now, I guess, I don't even know what's going on. And I don't want to deal with it. It makes me miss back in the day (which at this point, I believe was a Saturday) when I could call someone and it would calm me down and help me not do stupid things, which I haven't done yet anyway!

Overall, angry about more than one thing.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

3/27/08

The plane I was on from Dulles to Binghamton was taxiing because we were waiting to get on the runway to take off. On my left was a small forest-type thing of trees. Suddenly there was an airplane fin emerging from the top of the trees. So there was another runway over there. A Southwest plane was going rather slowly, so it wasn't taking off yet. It was really cool...it looked some giant thing behind the trees. I could only see the fin and not the whole plane. It reminded me of the Ents from Lord of the Rings. Not the Ents in the movie, but the Ents I imagined. Then I got to thinking about how many things are bigger than people. We make so much stuff that's bigger than any human. I was just thinking it's kind of amazing. At some point, all this bigger-than-us stuff had to be put together. Probably by machines that are bigger than us too. And the machines had to be put together.

Anyway, I've decided I need to start writing in this little blog perhaps more often. I want my writing to reflect who I am. So that if someone is reading it, they understand me: my characteristics, my likes, dislikes, etc. Of course this is going to take some work and I'm not sure if I want to put that much work into writing. I mostly use this as a place to collect my thoughts and write them out so I can then mentally organize them. Or as a place to vent. And I guess so I don't have to repeat a story four times, I can just tell someone to go read my blog. Hmm.

Day .5-Day1
Everything seems to be going fine. We watched...what did we watch? Oh right, Pirates of Caribbean 3 and we ate Fritos. Good times. This morning we went to Wal-Mart because I wanted different pillows. He only has 2! Not acceptable in my life. I'm not really sure what we're going tonight. I might suggest we go to a movie. I think tomorrow night we're hanging with some of his friends, but I have no idea. I have seriously conflicted thoughts about video games.

In other news, I've decided to give myself a week and then just get over it. I'm not really sure what to do about facebook though. I wasn't on my account and my friends weren't on my account, so nothing happened from my end. Overall, I feel pretty torn. I know if this had happened to one of my friends, instead of me, I'd tell them to hurry up and get over it. So I think that's what I'm going to do. The person who would usually tell me that and I aren't really on great speaking terms. So that makes it difficult, since I don't take seriously what I tell myself. So...Malisa, Ashley, or Jesse, if you could tell me to hurry up and get over it because I'm being a killjoy and a grumpy Gus, I'd appreciate it.

I think I've written enough for right now. Let's see how tomorrow goes : )

Sunday, March 23, 2008

3/24/08...again

So if you actually read my blog on a pseudo-regular basis or have enough intelligence to look down the screen and read what I wrote on perhaps the 16th about Founders' Day, I just want to clarify that yes, it would have a been a misnomer. I'm so glad I at least had some sort of inclining.

3/23/08

I'm so hurt right now. It's John and Maria all over again. I can't believe it. I'm not that demanding, all you have to be is honest. If you can't be yourself and honest around someone, then what's the point of being friends? I can't invest myself like this again. It evidently doesn't work. This emotional break is like an explosion. I need to be with people. Thank god for Bill Clinton and Malisa.

I have a post-it of my favorite quotes about lies. "The cruelest lies are often told in silence."

My normal friends and I, we don't touch. Those are my boundaries. Touching implies a comfort level I don't have with males, outside of Jesse and people I dance with. Damn it, never touch me!!! I was going to pull a, "you just want to be friends? Don't hug me, my friends and I, we don't hug. So don't even bother." Why didn't I? I can't wait for summer. I'll forget about perfect and I'll work on happy. I need to call Marques and see what he's doing and how much it's going to cost me to get good again. I need to fill that void where happy used to be. Well, the empty happy dancing void at least. I like to think I heal fast and anger helps that. Thankfully, I'm very angry, how fortuitous.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

3/16/08

Today was Founders' Day. I feel empty. There is something missing. I feel as if I know what it is, but that if I had to name it, I would give it a misnomer. I think I also feel burnt out; like I'm merely going through the motions, but I have no feeling. Overall, this is very uncomfortable. It makes me think of questions like, what happens when we die? do we have souls? should I be worried about mine? why is nature so perfect? is this it? why am I still in pain? is it ever going to stop hurting? it doesn't feel like it.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

3/13/08

I feel like I have a lot to talk about, but not enough time to do it in. I wrote a paper today which is really good. I have a couple more to write and I'm hoping to have them written by the end of the weekend.

I need to compose lots of words.

I'm trying to be healthy and by healthy I mean attempt to get enough sleep on a regular basis. Having said that, I'm going to go to bed and hopefully I'll write a meaningful post sometime in the near future.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

3/10/08

bad. stressed. upset. breakdown. coming soon to a snarky near you.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

3/5/08



hahaha.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

3/4/08 (2)

Today I spent pretty much the entire day studying for HCI, which I had test in this evening. I think it went really well. Lately, I've had lots of things that I want to do and lots of things that I have to do, which hasn't left me any time for things I want to do. :( Anyway, tomorrow...I don't even know. I'm going to an ACM event about grad school. I don't think I want to go to grad school. I love college, but I just don't think I'm going to want to pay for it. Plus, I haven't seen any programs that I'm particularly interested in. Sure, all topics are kind of interesting, but nothing has really piqued my interest.

I can't wait for Friday...I get paid. This weekend I really need to get some papers done for Thede.

Bryan, what do you want for your birthday?

3/4/08

Monday, March 3, 2008

3/3/08 (2)


This is courtesy of Jesse: http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1090

Went to the Tony Blair talk today. It was really good. It was a really long wait leading up to the talk, but that's just how it is.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

3/3/08

Things are fine; this is good. Well, most things. Anything that's not fine I've already taken care of with the respective person(s) involved. It makes me happy that people know me well enough that I don't have to say when I'm not fine. It makes me happy that people care enough to (insert phrase here). Sometimes I'm jealous, but not for the reasons you'd think, which is why it's so difficult sometimes. It scares me that when I feel one emotion it's so intense that it takes over my entire being and I can't shake that one feeling for a long while. I hope I'm eloquent enough.

3/2


We all know who this is for!