Tuesday, April 29, 2008

4/29/08

I hate how "disappoint" and other related words are so loaded. They're so parently loaded. You just can't say to someone you're disappointed with them since parents say the same thing and suddenly the offspring's world comes crashing down. Not that I want to use the term disappoint with anyone in my life, but I'm just mentioning that if I wanted to, it would be difficult.

Outside of that, I'm slowly starting to realize and come to terms with the fact that it is highly unlikely that Bryan and I are ever going to speak again. In the rare instance that we do, I know that I can't be the one to start it. I guess if he were to call I wouldn't ignore the call, I'd just watch myself. Hopefully. I think I'll go listen to some Postal Service.

*Harry Potter*

Monday, April 21, 2008

4/21/08

Must get more sleep. Damn it. I love the roller-coasters I go on through out the day. There's that huge low at one point where everything that I think is going wrong converges in one moment and I feel like shit. And there's the late night stuff where I actually do work, accomplish shit, and re-plan my life every night. Ok, maybe not every night. But I'm constantly thinking about it. I just have a lot of thoughts about the future of my life that I still need to write down. And a lot of things that I still need to do, but I think I'm going to go to bed instead and I'll try to do them all tomorrow sometime before 4, which is when something starts but I'd have to look at my planner/Google Calendar to figure out what. And that UOAH fire thing. I should send out e-mails tomorrow. And check out Sam's Club. And hope Marques got back to me. That would be spectacular. I'd would truly welcome such a fabulous break.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Being Dumb Hurts.

Oh yeah, and Tonya Harding and Diana Ross are coming to talk to us. Yeah. I'm fucking dumb sometimes. So much that it hurts to point it out to others, but I feel that comic relief is so important, I should share my gift for dumb with the world. And when I say world, currently I mean Ashley.

4/20/08

I'm highly unmotivated right now. This is very rare for me. I think it's because I have lots of little things to do and then I have big things to do. I'm not doing the little things because I figure I can do them quickly any time. I'm not doing the big things because I feel like they're so big that I don't even know what to do!! Thus, I feel unmotivated to do anything since I don't really have anything in between. Rawr. All I want to do is not be here. I want to be done for the year. I'm generally stressed, but I feel like it's starting to wear on me in an unfavorable way. Maybe chocolate will help. I will test this theory momentarily. Actually I bet a tuna sandwich would help, but I don't have a can opener. This is a large problem; a problem I should be fixing very soon. **Ashley just made up a word: electronical.** It did not rhyme with anything particularly the word ergonmical...which might not be a word either. Damn. And I need $40. And I need to message Marques. OK, so I'm going to go get Bunny and the three of us are going to Wal-Mart. I don't like saying wal-mart and I like even less saying wally world. Moving on and when I say moving on I mean leaving.

Hi Zach.

I Love Mil Millington

Margret faking orgasms. I'm rather... um... not 'angry' - I'm hurt, yes, that's it - I'm rather hurt that Margret has never faked an orgasm. As it happens, I knew she was committed to this kind of behaviour even before I found myself going out with her.

Dispelling the mists of time by waving a big memory fan, I can recall her recently arrived in England and sitting with a couple of, female, friends of mine. I was across the room masking - as so often - the rapid, all-encompassing alertness of my mind by having fixed a faraway, stupidly vacant look upon my face but, slyly, I was listening. My friends, being English women, were naturally talking about sex. As part of the conversation, one of them asked Margret how often she'd faked an orgasm. Margret looked stunned and uncomprehending.

'Never,' she said, 'What's the point? Why on Earth would I fake one?'

'Well, to make your boyfriend feel better.'

The look of incomprehension on Margret's face increased ten-fold.

In the fourteen or so years since then, she's never felt the need to reassess her position and that's really quite wounding. It's a disquieting thing to get into bed every night with a woman who never fakes an orgasm with you - it plays on your mind. You're tenderly aware that any sexual engagement that might occur will be 'to the death'. There's no chance that, several hours in - my muscles cramping, my lungs rasping, every single extremity exhausted and numb - she'll take pity and just let out a token 'Ah', so I can crash down rubber-faced into the pillow and begin giving my body a chance to heal. How cruel, I ask you, how careless of my welfare is it never to have the charity to murmur 'Oh. Gosh. Thanks.' and allow me to gain peace with dignity?

No. It doesn't happen. The sun is beginning to rise, the birds are whistling in the new day, I am six pounds lighter than when I went to bed due to dehydration. The oxygen deficit and wishful thinking is affecting my brain:

'Phew...' I sigh.

'What? Why've you...?'

'Oh, I thought...?'

'No - I just coughed.'

'Right. Right, sorry, I'll... give me a second, OK?'

Not knowing, never knowing, if it'll be twenty minutes or next Thursday is hugely traumatic, psychologically. I mean, really, I find myself simply wanting to say 'Sometimes I'd be happy just to cuddle, you know?'

Friday, April 18, 2008

4/17/08

yay for turning AI projects an entire 12 hours early!!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

4/13/08 (2)

I feel shitty right now. And my foot's asleep. It hurts, my foot that is. I'm tired of a lot of things right now. I don't want to deal them. They make me angry and sad and I can't help but think of them just about all the time. I've been having awful footage of my life playing in my head lately and I don't really appreciate it. Well Ashley just got here and we need to go over our allocations stuff.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

4/13/08

Right now I feel rejected and broken. I feel this at the absolute core of my being. It hurts. It feels like it will never go away. I don't feel special or unique. I've always felt under-average. I do things that might be different, but nothing is stopping anyone from doing them too. Nothing is ever new. It was just forgotten for awhile. You don't actually make discoveries, those things were always there. You just find out about them late. I need to plan more things. I don't need to. I'm torn. I don't know what to do with myself. My life feels strangely empty without Bryan. I'm not sure how I feel about it. But the things he did left me dumbstruck. Bunny, I need help. Serious help. I know you what I mean. Anytime we're together tomorrow, please let me know. I need it badly. I need reminding of how it's supposed to be.

Somethings I can let go, which I learned this week. I even tried implementing it, but I'm not sure yet how it's gone. This is just something I don't know how to let go of. I threw away all the shirts, hell, I wanted to burn them; it would have been more symbolic. I mean, that happened about two weeks ago, but I've only had the balls to mention it now. I can't listen to certain songs or I might spontaneously combust. I'm trying to fill my time, but it's hard. I just don't know what can be done. Of course, I have plenty to do. Glark, I want it all right now. I want to be done waiting. But that's ridiculous. Everything always looks better than it is and I'll want the old back afterwards.

I wish I didn't loose things over Bryan. That sucked.

(Side Note: Everything happened on a Wednesday. I was working on some project the day before, Tuesday. I slept in Julian that night. I had gone by the room and picked up some stuff. I was planning on gradually moving out and to eventually stop staying there all together. I guess I didn't want to worry about things anymore because I could see what would happen. I consciously looked out for things. I consciously did not put us in a situation that would be particularly bad. I don't think he realized that. I know he didn't know about the Tuesday thing because he told me on Wednesday that he noticed I didn't come back. I was going to take care of it myself because I could see what might happen. And then it did and then he screwed with everything. Of course, then my own life happened anyway. I guess it's just frustrating to know exactly what I was trying to prevent happened anyway, so there was no point to it to begin with.)

Of course, his end sucked more. But right now I'm just not that concerned with that. Certain actions will harden feelings towards a person or thing and Bryan just knows how to push my buttons. In a permanent sort of way. I don't even know what I want and that's why I have Ashley and Malisa. They can view it from anything other than my perspective and let me know what's healthy or at least what my options are. Then we can discuss a 20 minute conversation for weeks, thank goodness. Something just don't get old. *yum: Family Guy*

Thursday, April 10, 2008

4/10/08

Things that suck:
*Trying to drive when you can't see. Thanks rain!
*My ex-best friend having a taste in guys that's even remotely similar to mine.

4/9/08

I'm having some major issues with a group project. I'm going to finish writing a paper and then I think I'll blog about it. I really want to write it out to help organize my thoughts on it and determine how best to proceed.

Update: This post is a little bit of lie. I'm going to bed. I'll write about this later.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Shampoo

I just took a shower. It was sublime. (For the word sublime, I really wanted something that started with a "g", but I couldn't think of anything) I'm almost out of my shampoo, woot! That means I can break out the next bottle I have in my bottom drawer. So I squeezed some onto my hand and it made bubbles. There was this pretty curve of bubbles in my hand. I almost got out of the shower to take a picture of it. I refrained, but I kind of wish I had. Seriously, these were the prettiest pre-sud shampoo bubbles I've ever seen. *sigh* happy bubble thoughts

Notes to self

1139
1141
1592
1594
1319
1315

Ulgh, Tommy Bahama? really? Don't get wrong, Nordstrom sells that, but it's so old!!! So pretentious.

Monday, April 7, 2008

4/7/08

Here I am again thinking about the coolness of sleep. I'm also thinking about my day tomorrow. I need to get things done and they need to get done now! I have little to no time tomorrow. It's already been scheduled! And I'm kinda cold.

Quick List
*Interface design app
*GHC app
*Budget presentation
*HCI stuff
*AI Homework
*DePauw Weekly announcement
*Prep for meeting with Beth
*E-mail Freedom
*Get back to Fish on dates

So Bunny, I don't usually wear sandals with plastic between the toes. It's usually something really thin like a ribbon. I think the between part of my toes is bruised. Seriously. I know it's sad and kind of pathetic. I think I'll try to do a pedicure tonight. Head to Wal-mart around 9-ish if possible, get back around 9:30, do my nails from 9:30 - 10 and then go to bed! Whee!

*There are some days when spelling Tuesday simply doesn't count.*

Sunday, April 6, 2008

4/6/08

Communication is so difficult. Especially when it doesn't happen face to face. Jesse thought that I had blogged about him in a less than stellar way which led to a misunderstanding that was greater (though not cataclysmic) than it should have been. Everything is fine now, but it just goes to show the nuances of human communication. I like to think that I'm honest enough with people that they should always hear things from me and not have to read about them on my blog for the first time. I try really hard to keep to that since I just keep this to complement my life, I guess. I use it organize my thoughts or to write something down so I can forget about it, knowing that I've already written it down.

I've realized there are things that no one knows about me. Little habits that no one picks up on. They aren't things that are a secret, but I'm not going to tell you what they are. *bubble laugh* Of course everyone has secrets that only they know, but sometimes that's not out of secrecy as it is out of forgetfulness. There really isn't a reason to tell everyone you're entire past when just letting them know what you did yesterday is just fine. It's interesting that even I forget my own secrets sometimes. It's hard to remember a whole life!!

Saturday, April 5, 2008

4/5/08

I need to take care of some stuff sometime soon. I'm not sure when I'm going to take care of them though. They certainly can't just be left to their own devices, that's for sure.

Friday, April 4, 2008

4/4/08

It would have been so cool if I had slept last night! On the plus side, I got to hang out with Malisa, John, and I met David and Jamie...and Tucker. And the cat. Good times. Ottoman dog. haha.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

4/3/08

Sometimes I really dislike when people speak. Or when they talk slowly and nasally and try to sound smart when really they're just a pretentious douche bag.

The other day I had this vision/day dream, you know where an entire scene flashes in your mind in a split second. I'm sitting in Spanish and we were talking about something boring, as usual. Actually, I think we were working in pairs and talking about what kind of literature we liked. I had this spectacular flash that we were all in a musical and suddenly we all broke out into song and dance. It was a fabulous dance too!! Everyone was singing and surprisingly awake. I think the bridge was choreographed on the tables. And there were spirit fingers and rows of waving people. Then I was back in the actual Spanish class and it was boring again. But I was amused for the rest of the class imaging everyone being apart of my imaginary musical.

If I write a book, I'm going to make the dedication to something stupid, like "I dedicate this book to my toes because they get regular pedicures." Or something like that. Maybe to my favorite flower. But I don't think I'd dedicate it to my family and friends. What a cop-out. If they are truly your friends and family, they should know how much they mean to you and how much they've helped because you make that known. Or to my favorite dress or pair of shoes. Actually, I really might do the pair of shoes thing, that's genius!!