12/24/08

It is Christmas Eve.  I haven't written anything in a very long time.  This saddens me since I wanted to write on this blog more.  Anyway, we just finished Christmas dinner.  We had to do it Christmas Eve, since I leave tomorrow at 7 pm.  It was delicious!  I love it when my mom cooks.

She also invited one of her co-workers to dinner.  That was really fun.  I hope when I grow up, I'm as likeable as my mom!

So much has happened since I last wrote anything; it would be silly of me to try to recount everything.  It seemed like such a big deal, but now I can barely remember it!  I guess the big news is that I plan on taking a job with Lockheed Martin in Denver, CO.  Eventually I'll be moving to Colorado, which I'm really excited about!  It took me a little bit to accept the company due to some previous stigmas I had.  A lengthy discussion with Ashley thankfully helped me out a lot.

Tomorrow is Christmas and that means major gift wrapping tonight.  Maybe tomorrow I'll do a special XMas Edition post with my favorite gifts in it!  Anyway, I'll hopefully be updating this while I'm in Australia.  Plus, I plan on being on Twitter and on Flickr.

11/8/08

I have lots to do, as usual.  I need to write a cover letter for Google, which freaks me out.  I’m seriously scared of screwing up.  I also need to take some sort of test thing for Bloomberg, which I’m really nervous about as well.  I feel a bout of Imposter Syndrome coming on, which is bad, but I have no doubt it’ll pass.

But I didn’t actually want to write about all that I have to do, although I find it endlessly entertaining.  I’ve noticed that in there is a lot of stuff about vampires in pop culture lately.  There is that show on HBO, a movie coming out that is based on a best-selling book, and I’ve seen tons of romance novels about vampires.  I’ve read one book about vampires and that’s Dracula by Bram Stoker.  Overall, vampires seem pretty bad with the whole sucking blood and turning people into vampires.  Main idea: bad.  But with all this new media surrounding vampires, I feel I may misjudged them.  Is it possible to stereotype something that doesn’t exist?

11/2/08

I haven’t written anything in a long time.  I feel really guilty about that.  I like writing about stupid and mundane things that happen to me.  Sometimes it just helps me sort stuff out.

Unfortunately, like everyone else in this world, I’ve been very busy and preoccupied.  I miss writing about stuff since I felt like sometimes I would discover patterns in my behavior that or some absolute truth about how I am.  That was always nice.  Right now I don’t know myself that well anymore.

I’d like to try writing more in the near future.  Even though a recent Wired article says blogs are dead.  Who cares? Not me!

The other day I made my desktop black and white.  I like it a lot. Although it’s dark, I might add in some red.  I just remembered I have a great icon set that I might be able to use!

10/4

Today was the last day of GHC, sad!  It was so much fun!  Ashley and I did the most amazing things.  We got to talk to so many great women!  I'm currently working on my desktop.  It's exciting.  Sorry this is short and boring.  I opened Windows Live Writer and didn't want to close it without doing something.

9/23/08

I think I've come to conclusion that I'm not actually a very good student.  I've decided this because I could be a lot better.  I suppose I'll try to pay attention in class more and maybe that will help!  After that I just have to get all my schedule figured out with when I'm supposed to study and do homework.  I don't like homework taking over my life, makes me angry.  Hold on, I'm really hungry and need to go eat breakfast...

...Later that evening...

Since this is my blog, I get to bitch on it all I want.  That's nice because I'm pretty sure my friends get tired of it.  I am exhausted.  I am also unsure of how I am going to get through the day tomorrow.  I suppose I could make a quick list of everything I have to do/worry about.

To Do/Worry

• Compilers project 2
• Spanish Reading & Grammar composition
• Spanish Reading & Grammar homework
• Spanish Conversation & Phonetics homework
• Car insurance/lawyer/medical bills
• Lockheed Martin (call back)
• Resume (update)
• Fix printer network
• Make packing list
• Prepare for Graphics test
• Prepare for Compilers test
• Prepare for Spanish Reading & Grammar test

AAAAHHHHHH!!!

If anyone has any survival tips, they are more than welcome!

9/18/08

I haven't been very good about blogging lately, which is probably ok since I currently live with most of my loyal readers.  Either way, let's take a look at how my life is going, shall we?

Academics
This semester I'm taking 4.5 credits.  I'm in Graphics, Compilers, Spanish Reading & Grammar, Spanish Conversation & Phonetics, Aerobic Conditioning Super Circuit, and French horn lessons.  Whew, talk about a full course load.  Everything seems to be going reasonably well so far.  That's pretty exciting for me.

When I say going well, I mean I'm not failing anything yet.  I feel like I don't understand a lot of what I'm supposed to be learning, which is very frustrating.  I skipped my PE class this morning because I was just too tired.  I started write this post two days ago and I was in a much better mood then.

Activities
Per my usual self, I'm way too involved in things and probably doing way too much!  I have WiCS/ITAP, ACM, DG, Rugby, WGRE, and the CS House which is an activity just trying to cook dinner!  I'm always exhausted (and now bruised, thanks to rugby).

Really Cool Stuff
I'm not exactly attached to DePauw as a school.  I'm much more attached to the parts of DePauw I believe in, like the CS Dept., WiCS, and ITAP (even though ITAP is a catastrophic program right now, it has amazing potential).  I don't plan on going to my graduation because I'm hoping to be going on a rafting trip down the Grand Canyon.  Let's talk about incredible for a moment, shall we?  Yeah.

Plans
I think over the next couple days I'm going to focus on writing down what I want.  I have a general idea of what I want in life and what I want to be.  But that's all it is, an idea.  When I think of it, it is just a feeling I get.  Sometimes there's a nice video playing of what I'm doing on a random Tuesday and sometimes there's a choice word that describes that one instant.  But I'm not sure how to express it in words and full sentences.  I need to write it out in a manner that I can make mini goals or at least figure out what can be done now to move along to the future goals.  Then I get to figure out how much money that costs.  That should be lots of fun!

That was a fun update and I hope that I can remember to continue blogging since I like to keep a record of my life so I can go back, read it later, and wonder what on earth I was thinking.

9/2/08

I attempted to buy a planner today; that failed miserably.  I know exactly what I want out of a planner and how I'd like it laid out.  In fact, I even found the perfect one, but it was for 2009 and not 2008.  I don't understand why planners for 2009 are being sold with 4 months left in 2008.  I'd like the Moleskine Weekly Planner (horizontal).  I don't like the one that's combined with a notebook because the entire week is only one page with lines on the other side.  One page is not enough space for me to plan my week.  I'd really like to have a soft cover planner, but I think the one I want only comes in a hard cover.  I'm most certainly willing to give on this point for the correct lay out (and year)!  I'm thinking I could get a Moleskine for 2009 and until then use a small pocket calendar.  The problem with this is that I make lists.  Lots of lists.  On post-it notes.  The post-it notes go in the planner where I look everyday.  This means the planner has to be bigger and a couple of post-it notes.

I just don't want to use the planner I had last year.  For one, I'd like a slimmer planner.  For another, there are some sketchy memories associated with that planner and I don't want them to surface every time I check my schedule.  Plus, Bryan's number is still in the back of the planner and I don't want to be toting that around with me.  I'm afraid I would be tempted to call it.  I almost called him twice this summer.  That would have been horrid.  I did email him a funny youtube video I thought he would like.  It was of Frank Caliendo, we used to watch him a lot.  He wrote back a short "Thank you" email.  His signature said M.S.  I can't remember what topic.  This weird feeling of rage boiled up inside of me, so I think it would be best to put the planner away.  I'm not as angry as I was, but sometimes I get real touchy about it.  I still can't listen to the Finger 11 song.  And I actually liked that song too.  There's this hot, boiling feeling in my chest when I think about it.  It truly feels like the temperature rises in my chest.  Not very comfortable.  Oh well.  At least I don't get these angry feelings about Nick.  Thankfully he proved that he is too stupid to waste any sort of feeling on other than pure pity for such foolishness.  Haha.  Laughing out loud (really).

I'm going to go make a to-do list on some post-its for tomorrow.  Hopefully I'll get half of the stuff done.  Hopefully.

8/31/08

So, I'm back at school which is really great.  I'm living in this awesome house with people I like and actually want to be around.  It's kind of new for me.  We still have to set up our study/lounge room.  I'm hoping to do that tomorrow night or at least in the near future.  We have to fix the futon and then I think things will come together much better.  Hopefully we'll be in the basement soon so I can do laundry because I feel like I'm running out of clothes.  Although I'm not, I just don't have my favorite t-shirts to wear.

OK, onto Spanish homework!

Using the Power of Scent

My previous post speaks to the power of scent.  Even though we can try to fight it, the memories that are associated with a certain scent are so engrained into our subconscious that it is truly difficult to fight them.  I'm waiting for technology to come out that will decide what memory comes flowing back to you.  Maybe the technology already exists and it's not available to the general public.  Either way, I'm just waiting for it to be released with some perfume.  Somehow embedded in the perfume will be trigger that will tell you brain what memory to experience.  The memory will be pre-planned and it will put you in the memory as the main character, since after all, it's your memory.

I think that would be awesome!  It would be like hypnosis (I just finished watching Alias) except that deep hidden memory doesn't actually have to be something you have previously experienced!

Of course this technology could be used for good or evil.  It can be used for good in situations like perfume or to trigger a certain emotion (like a scented pick-me-up).  It could, unfortunately, be used for evil in the situation like Batman Beyond; suddenly everyone starts seeing terrible visions and mass panic spreads through the world.  That would be bad.

Still, cool technology that I want to use someday.

The Power of Scent

Continuing this odd and likely short patten of giving my posts topics, I have another post with a topic!  Today's topic is scent-themed anecdotes.  Emotions are extremely powerful and the ability to recall certain emotions, I would imagine, would be quite useful.

Please understand, I'm writing this from my apartment (using Windows Live Writer, I definitely recommend it), which doesn't have internet, since I was unwilling to pay the exorbitant cost per month.  This means I can't cross check any of my theories with any scientific studies that might give this post some credibility.  Also understand that I am not a scientist, psychologist, or any other -gist.  So, everything I'm saying has no real clout and it's just from my personal experience.  That was a fun disclaimer.

Scent is the most powerful sense for memory recall.  I say this because I have a favorite scent of lotion from Bath and Body Works.  Last year I bought 5 containers of it at the Bath and Body Works' sale.  Last January I was on campus for Winter Term; I stayed in one of my friend's rooms so I wouldn't have to pay room and board at my sorority house.  I used that lotion every night and every morning.  Now I have some of that lotion at the apartment and I used the other day.  Immediately I was transported back to January in Shlea's dorm room putting on lotion in between the bed and the tv/fridge.

I have these two scented stuffed animals.  They are covered in scented soy wax.  Either way, I got them around Thanksgiving, an unfortunate time when I happened to be in the hospital.  The reason I bought them was so that my hospital room wouldn't smell like a hospital room.  I was wildly successful and every person who walked into my room mentioned how it smelled of Holiday Festivities, including but not limited to cookies.  And now, every time my dad smells either of my scented stuffed animals, he thinks of my hospital room.  He told me that the he tries not to think of the hospital room, but usually fails.

Lots of scents have the capabilities to transport you to a different time and place.  From the scent of food to the scent of perfume.  Because I've already written a considerable amount, I'm going to save the rest of the post for later.  *This is so exciting, a two-part post!!*

I spend my life reading

http://thepinkskirtproject.blogspot.com/

http://davidseah.com/

http://www.engadget.com/

http://ghcbloggers.blogspot.com/

http://hautenature.blogspot.com/

http://organizefish.com/blog/

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

http://superkjo.livejournal.com/

http://thinkwhatbox.blogspot.com/

http://yourselfinfiveyears.blogspot.com/

http://lifehacker.com/

http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/

http://www.smashingmagazine.com/

http://www.thesimpledollar.com/

http://www.webdesignerwall.com/

http://news.cnet.com/webware/

http://zenhabits.net/

Friends vs. Work Friends

Usually I blog about random things that happen to me and it turns out to be quite boring and overall uneventful.  Today, I'd like to blog about an actual topic.  I have no doubt this is shocking new to all of my loyal followers, haha.  Of course I am aware that I could count on my fingers (no thumbs!) of one hand the number of people who read this with any semblance of regularity.

Moving on, as you know I've been doing an internship for a real company this summer.  I love being downtown and I wish I could take advantage of it more.  Being in a completely different environment than I am used to, I have come to realize a few things. *Side note: I like my laptop keyboard more than my keyboard at work.*  I've realized that there are lots of different types of friends.  I am positive that most of you already knew this and to a certain extent, I was fully aware of this as well.  What I was unaware of were the work friends you acquire.

Work friends fall into the special category of, you guessed it, work.  You become friends with the people you work with out of necessity.  Sometimes you can make a really great friend, but that seems more likely to happen when you choose your friends.  Up to this point, I have almost exclusively worked with people who have already been my friends.  Thus they fall into the friends by choice category, not work friends.

What it comes down to is choice vs. necessity.  Although nothing is really that black and white, I feel that my friends from work are relationships based on necessity or sometimes forced interaction.  The relationships with my friends from school are based more on my choice of who I want to be with and associate with.  I do realize that there is a level of necessity with school friends since I choose from the small pool of CS majors, but I like to think we'd hang out even if we didn't have the geek factor to unite us.

I hope that I stay in contact with some of my new work friends, since they are really great people!  I will most likely wind up losing contact with the work friends who were more of a necessity than a choice.  In fact I can think of several people where this will be the case.  That's not say they aren't great people, we just aren't great together.

Since I seem to have written a novel blog post, I'll end with saying that I hope there is always choice in my life and not everything is from pure necessity.

8/3/08

at home with internet. I got a text today from someone and it made me laugh out loud. In that special way that only conceited people who say really really stupid things can.

7/22/08

I believe it's been a month since I last made a post. Haley is here to visit, so we're at Panera while I'm "working." I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I just have been busy and I don't want to post at work because it looks like I'm not doing anything.

Once I get back to school with normal internet connection I'll post more.

6/22/08

Whew. I haven't written in a very long time. I'm suprisingly happy right now. I've been dancing a lot, which has been great. Living indenpently isn't quite what I want it to be yet. I've discovered I'm not very good at having a job and planning meals or going to farmer's markets which makes me sad. But I am good at going to art fairs, so that's something. There's just a lot to do when you live on your own, like laundry. Which I'm currently doing at my parents' house. I had to run some errands in West Lafayette anyway, so I figured I'd bring my laundry.

Yesterday I went to Adrie's for her graduation party! I can't believe it, she's married and graduated and moving to Chicago! Hopefully I'll get to see her next weekend as well. That would be nice. Sigh.

I think I'm going to head to Vienna for a bit and meet up with my mom and Deb.

long time no nothing.

dealing with an accident is much easier if you're not at fault. it especially helps when there is an emergency vehicle involved and you were following the law. good day for the most part. hoping to call jesse soon.

5/23/08

Huge break down, check.

5/18/08

Suprisingly, I'm still alive. I need to call Haley tomorrow. I haven't talked to her in over a week and it's killing me!! She's so good about calling me because I'm awful at it. I got a bed today!! Queen size. I'm so pumped! It's being delivered in Indy next week. My mom didn't want to lose any of the beds in the house. My room is the second guest room. I guess it actually does come in handy. Weird. Suddenly my parents host all these people. Oh well.

Still grappling with ugly endings. I'm attempting to remember things as a learning experience. I read last month's MarieClaire today. Tina Fey has this marvelous quote about waiting until guys learn the what the hell they're supposed to be doing. I naturally ripped it out and I will probably be putting it somewhere prominent in my life, like in my planner.

Haven't broken down yet, which I guess is really good!! I think just being home and not having school and academic pressures helped a lot. At this moment I'm really tired and I'm going to go to bed. My ass hurts from a spinning class. Fucking bike seats, so uncomfortable!

5/12/08

Thankfully, due to a successful completion of my Spanish final, I think the imminence of the break down has been delayed. At least until tomorrow. Hopefully. I feel like I studied all the right things for the final, which is awesome! Maybe I'll pull off a B. Probably not, but hey, I'm being optimistic right now. Rare, I know.

5/11/08

I haven't done anything today. I loathe my Spanish class and therefore have not studied for the final yet. I have gone to see Iron Man, gone to Plainfield for dinner, and had some fun times. While I was driving back with Ashley, everything hit me like a brick. Everything that has happened this year. I am this |.| close to a breakdown. It started in the car. I'm afraid I can't stop it. It's all hitting me. Right now. I want to go home. I want to be with my parents and I want them to tell me everything will be ok. That lost job, tumor, cancer, shitty professors, shitty academic petitions committee, losing a best friend, a supposed break-up at some point (I was unaware of this, but thought I'd throw it in), I just can't take it right now and I want to go home. I just want to be home. I can't say it enough. I knew this breakdown was going to happen. Someone told Mom that it would happen at some point. I've been waiting for it. But like so many other things, I'm so very unprepared to deal with it right now. I think I'll call Mom tomorrow. Like actually call her.

I've realized my mind operates in a future world. Very rarely I'm I in the "now." I'm usually in the 10-years-from-now. Do you ever think about your parents dying? My parents can make so many things better. When I'm sick or when I have to complain about something, if they're not here, who will I go to? I can't find better people than my parents and when I loose them, I know it will rip my heart out. And it won't be my usual pain of my heart getting uncomfortably tingly. It'll be a huge pain, like a knife pain. All the time and it doesn't get better. I hate being by myself. This is what happens when I'm by myself, all I see in my future is death and pain. Very very bad for positive thinking. On that note, maybe I'll go study Spanish.

5/7/08

As a throw back to this past weekend, I think I'm going to start blogging in haikus. Not only could this be completely random, but it may not offer any insight into how my day has been at all. Then again, who knows? Maybe I'll get a series going or something.

house is a badass
messy hair subtitles straw
to do: image decryption

5/4/08

I guess I'm not really sure what to write at this moment since I haven't yet come up with phonetic ways to spell my sound effects. I get a little dizzy when I think about the things that have to be done this week. I actually get a lot dizzy. I'm eagerly anticipating my week long break. I need to talk to my parents about U-Haul stuff, or truck things. And beds. Ulgh. I'm not going to think about moving until maybe Wednesday and then I'm only thinking about it from Greencastle to West Lafayette. I won't think about West Lafayette to Carmel until...well, I don't know, but I'm not going to!

4/29/08

I hate how "disappoint" and other related words are so loaded. They're so parently loaded. You just can't say to someone you're disappointed with them since parents say the same thing and suddenly the offspring's world comes crashing down. Not that I want to use the term disappoint with anyone in my life, but I'm just mentioning that if I wanted to, it would be difficult.

Outside of that, I'm slowly starting to realize and come to terms with the fact that it is highly unlikely that Bryan and I are ever going to speak again. In the rare instance that we do, I know that I can't be the one to start it. I guess if he were to call I wouldn't ignore the call, I'd just watch myself. Hopefully. I think I'll go listen to some Postal Service.

*Harry Potter*

4/21/08

Must get more sleep. Damn it. I love the roller-coasters I go on through out the day. There's that huge low at one point where everything that I think is going wrong converges in one moment and I feel like shit. And there's the late night stuff where I actually do work, accomplish shit, and re-plan my life every night. Ok, maybe not every night. But I'm constantly thinking about it. I just have a lot of thoughts about the future of my life that I still need to write down. And a lot of things that I still need to do, but I think I'm going to go to bed instead and I'll try to do them all tomorrow sometime before 4, which is when something starts but I'd have to look at my planner/Google Calendar to figure out what. And that UOAH fire thing. I should send out e-mails tomorrow. And check out Sam's Club. And hope Marques got back to me. That would be spectacular. I'd would truly welcome such a fabulous break.

Being Dumb Hurts.

Oh yeah, and Tonya Harding and Diana Ross are coming to talk to us. Yeah. I'm fucking dumb sometimes. So much that it hurts to point it out to others, but I feel that comic relief is so important, I should share my gift for dumb with the world. And when I say world, currently I mean Ashley.

4/20/08

I'm highly unmotivated right now. This is very rare for me. I think it's because I have lots of little things to do and then I have big things to do. I'm not doing the little things because I figure I can do them quickly any time. I'm not doing the big things because I feel like they're so big that I don't even know what to do!! Thus, I feel unmotivated to do anything since I don't really have anything in between. Rawr. All I want to do is not be here. I want to be done for the year. I'm generally stressed, but I feel like it's starting to wear on me in an unfavorable way. Maybe chocolate will help. I will test this theory momentarily. Actually I bet a tuna sandwich would help, but I don't have a can opener. This is a large problem; a problem I should be fixing very soon. **Ashley just made up a word: electronical.** It did not rhyme with anything particularly the word ergonmical...which might not be a word either. Damn. And I need $40. And I need to message Marques. OK, so I'm going to go get Bunny and the three of us are going to Wal-Mart. I don't like saying wal-mart and I like even less saying wally world. Moving on and when I say moving on I mean leaving.

Hi Zach.

I Love Mil Millington

Margret faking orgasms. I'm rather... um... not 'angry' - I'm hurt, yes, that's it - I'm rather hurt that Margret has never faked an orgasm. As it happens, I knew she was committed to this kind of behaviour even before I found myself going out with her.

Dispelling the mists of time by waving a big memory fan, I can recall her recently arrived in England and sitting with a couple of, female, friends of mine. I was across the room masking - as so often - the rapid, all-encompassing alertness of my mind by having fixed a faraway, stupidly vacant look upon my face but, slyly, I was listening. My friends, being English women, were naturally talking about sex. As part of the conversation, one of them asked Margret how often she'd faked an orgasm. Margret looked stunned and uncomprehending.

'Never,' she said, 'What's the point? Why on Earth would I fake one?'

'Well, to make your boyfriend feel better.'

The look of incomprehension on Margret's face increased ten-fold.

In the fourteen or so years since then, she's never felt the need to reassess her position and that's really quite wounding. It's a disquieting thing to get into bed every night with a woman who never fakes an orgasm with you - it plays on your mind. You're tenderly aware that any sexual engagement that might occur will be 'to the death'. There's no chance that, several hours in - my muscles cramping, my lungs rasping, every single extremity exhausted and numb - she'll take pity and just let out a token 'Ah', so I can crash down rubber-faced into the pillow and begin giving my body a chance to heal. How cruel, I ask you, how careless of my welfare is it never to have the charity to murmur 'Oh. Gosh. Thanks.' and allow me to gain peace with dignity?

No. It doesn't happen. The sun is beginning to rise, the birds are whistling in the new day, I am six pounds lighter than when I went to bed due to dehydration. The oxygen deficit and wishful thinking is affecting my brain:

'Phew...' I sigh.

'What? Why've you...?'

'Oh, I thought...?'

'No - I just coughed.'

'Right. Right, sorry, I'll... give me a second, OK?'

Not knowing, never knowing, if it'll be twenty minutes or next Thursday is hugely traumatic, psychologically. I mean, really, I find myself simply wanting to say 'Sometimes I'd be happy just to cuddle, you know?'

4/17/08

yay for turning AI projects an entire 12 hours early!!

4/13/08 (2)

I feel shitty right now. And my foot's asleep. It hurts, my foot that is. I'm tired of a lot of things right now. I don't want to deal them. They make me angry and sad and I can't help but think of them just about all the time. I've been having awful footage of my life playing in my head lately and I don't really appreciate it. Well Ashley just got here and we need to go over our allocations stuff.

4/13/08

Right now I feel rejected and broken. I feel this at the absolute core of my being. It hurts. It feels like it will never go away. I don't feel special or unique. I've always felt under-average. I do things that might be different, but nothing is stopping anyone from doing them too. Nothing is ever new. It was just forgotten for awhile. You don't actually make discoveries, those things were always there. You just find out about them late. I need to plan more things. I don't need to. I'm torn. I don't know what to do with myself. My life feels strangely empty without Bryan. I'm not sure how I feel about it. But the things he did left me dumbstruck. Bunny, I need help. Serious help. I know you what I mean. Anytime we're together tomorrow, please let me know. I need it badly. I need reminding of how it's supposed to be.

Somethings I can let go, which I learned this week. I even tried implementing it, but I'm not sure yet how it's gone. This is just something I don't know how to let go of. I threw away all the shirts, hell, I wanted to burn them; it would have been more symbolic. I mean, that happened about two weeks ago, but I've only had the balls to mention it now. I can't listen to certain songs or I might spontaneously combust. I'm trying to fill my time, but it's hard. I just don't know what can be done. Of course, I have plenty to do. Glark, I want it all right now. I want to be done waiting. But that's ridiculous. Everything always looks better than it is and I'll want the old back afterwards.

I wish I didn't loose things over Bryan. That sucked.

(Side Note: Everything happened on a Wednesday. I was working on some project the day before, Tuesday. I slept in Julian that night. I had gone by the room and picked up some stuff. I was planning on gradually moving out and to eventually stop staying there all together. I guess I didn't want to worry about things anymore because I could see what would happen. I consciously looked out for things. I consciously did not put us in a situation that would be particularly bad. I don't think he realized that. I know he didn't know about the Tuesday thing because he told me on Wednesday that he noticed I didn't come back. I was going to take care of it myself because I could see what might happen. And then it did and then he screwed with everything. Of course, then my own life happened anyway. I guess it's just frustrating to know exactly what I was trying to prevent happened anyway, so there was no point to it to begin with.)

Of course, his end sucked more. But right now I'm just not that concerned with that. Certain actions will harden feelings towards a person or thing and Bryan just knows how to push my buttons. In a permanent sort of way. I don't even know what I want and that's why I have Ashley and Malisa. They can view it from anything other than my perspective and let me know what's healthy or at least what my options are. Then we can discuss a 20 minute conversation for weeks, thank goodness. Something just don't get old. *yum: Family Guy*

4/10/08

Things that suck:
*Trying to drive when you can't see. Thanks rain!
*My ex-best friend having a taste in guys that's even remotely similar to mine.

4/9/08

I'm having some major issues with a group project. I'm going to finish writing a paper and then I think I'll blog about it. I really want to write it out to help organize my thoughts on it and determine how best to proceed.

Update: This post is a little bit of lie. I'm going to bed. I'll write about this later.

Shampoo

I just took a shower. It was sublime. (For the word sublime, I really wanted something that started with a "g", but I couldn't think of anything) I'm almost out of my shampoo, woot! That means I can break out the next bottle I have in my bottom drawer. So I squeezed some onto my hand and it made bubbles. There was this pretty curve of bubbles in my hand. I almost got out of the shower to take a picture of it. I refrained, but I kind of wish I had. Seriously, these were the prettiest pre-sud shampoo bubbles I've ever seen. *sigh* happy bubble thoughts

Notes to self

1139
1141
1592
1594
1319
1315

Ulgh, Tommy Bahama? really? Don't get wrong, Nordstrom sells that, but it's so old!!! So pretentious.

4/7/08

Here I am again thinking about the coolness of sleep. I'm also thinking about my day tomorrow. I need to get things done and they need to get done now! I have little to no time tomorrow. It's already been scheduled! And I'm kinda cold.

Quick List
*Interface design app
*GHC app
*Budget presentation
*HCI stuff
*AI Homework
*DePauw Weekly announcement
*Prep for meeting with Beth
*E-mail Freedom
*Get back to Fish on dates

So Bunny, I don't usually wear sandals with plastic between the toes. It's usually something really thin like a ribbon. I think the between part of my toes is bruised. Seriously. I know it's sad and kind of pathetic. I think I'll try to do a pedicure tonight. Head to Wal-mart around 9-ish if possible, get back around 9:30, do my nails from 9:30 - 10 and then go to bed! Whee!

*There are some days when spelling Tuesday simply doesn't count.*

4/6/08

Communication is so difficult. Especially when it doesn't happen face to face. Jesse thought that I had blogged about him in a less than stellar way which led to a misunderstanding that was greater (though not cataclysmic) than it should have been. Everything is fine now, but it just goes to show the nuances of human communication. I like to think that I'm honest enough with people that they should always hear things from me and not have to read about them on my blog for the first time. I try really hard to keep to that since I just keep this to complement my life, I guess. I use it organize my thoughts or to write something down so I can forget about it, knowing that I've already written it down.

I've realized there are things that no one knows about me. Little habits that no one picks up on. They aren't things that are a secret, but I'm not going to tell you what they are. *bubble laugh* Of course everyone has secrets that only they know, but sometimes that's not out of secrecy as it is out of forgetfulness. There really isn't a reason to tell everyone you're entire past when just letting them know what you did yesterday is just fine. It's interesting that even I forget my own secrets sometimes. It's hard to remember a whole life!!

4/5/08

I need to take care of some stuff sometime soon. I'm not sure when I'm going to take care of them though. They certainly can't just be left to their own devices, that's for sure.

4/4/08

It would have been so cool if I had slept last night! On the plus side, I got to hang out with Malisa, John, and I met David and Jamie...and Tucker. And the cat. Good times. Ottoman dog. haha.

4/3/08

Sometimes I really dislike when people speak. Or when they talk slowly and nasally and try to sound smart when really they're just a pretentious douche bag.

The other day I had this vision/day dream, you know where an entire scene flashes in your mind in a split second. I'm sitting in Spanish and we were talking about something boring, as usual. Actually, I think we were working in pairs and talking about what kind of literature we liked. I had this spectacular flash that we were all in a musical and suddenly we all broke out into song and dance. It was a fabulous dance too!! Everyone was singing and surprisingly awake. I think the bridge was choreographed on the tables. And there were spirit fingers and rows of waving people. Then I was back in the actual Spanish class and it was boring again. But I was amused for the rest of the class imaging everyone being apart of my imaginary musical.

If I write a book, I'm going to make the dedication to something stupid, like "I dedicate this book to my toes because they get regular pedicures." Or something like that. Maybe to my favorite flower. But I don't think I'd dedicate it to my family and friends. What a cop-out. If they are truly your friends and family, they should know how much they mean to you and how much they've helped because you make that known. Or to my favorite dress or pair of shoes. Actually, I really might do the pair of shoes thing, that's genius!!

3/31/08 (2)

I think I got a lot done today. I sent out a lot of important e-mails, well important for my life at least. Sent an e-mail to Dave, the biology teacher at Cloverdale, Chad and Beth Wilkerson, Melissa about formal, Freedom Smith. Tomorrow I need to send one to Gloria about a lunch date and the WiCS officers to plan a meeting. I think we should have one before the 9th. Tomorrow I may bug Brit, but I might be able to put that off until Wednesday night, depending on how things go. Tomorrow I'd also like to do the Lilly reimbursement form, taxes, and finish the infile with 3D array. It's not working and it's making me a little frustrated, but I think if I revisit it tomorrow it will be fine. I'd also like to unload my car at some point. I need to do HCI reading too. And I have an interview tomorrow, boo.

I can feel that I'm slipping at this moment. I need reassurances. I'm more likely to need it at night than at any other time of the day. People can't read my mind, so of course I have to say something, but I wish I didn't. But I understand why it's not something that's just said in conversation; it would upset me.

Today I found problems for the programming contest and I was so excited about the one with Euclid's Algorithm! I geeked out on Ashley and she responded by judging me. It was great. I was seriously pumped about it though. Tomorrow is going to be good. Period. It has to be.

I have no imaginative anecdotes right now, which saddens me. I wish I were creative right now, but all I can think about it what I have to do tomorrow. I can't wait for May! And then summer! And then living with people I actually want to live with!
Fuck you. I'm pissed now.

3/31/08

Things I wish could be changed:

*The links across the top of my iGoogle page. The links that are there aren't very relevant to my main Google account and I wish I could customize them so Calendar and Groups showed up across the top instead of, say Mail and News.

*In Google Calendar I wish I could condense shared calendars into one color or link those calendars to one I already have created. Take for example Ashley's schedule: I already had a color for Ashley where I kept her classes, Pep band, and ITAP stuff. She recently shared all of her calenders with me. That's four calendars now instead of one. I want to be able to put all of those events onto one calendar since I don't need them separate, I just need to know when she's busy. I'd love to do that with Danielle's and Malisa's schedules as well. **Or as Ashley had the idea to group the calendars under one heading and click just that heading to turn the calendars on or off.

I talked to Dave today about my senior project. I needed confirmation that I should take graphics and that I should take senior projects in the spring. I also ran my idea past him and he said it's a good idea. I need to focus it on one aspect of the interface to keep it manageable. I wish I had all the time in the world to do the whole thing. That would make me happy. As it is, I'm quite happy with Dave liking my project idea. And that I've taken or am planning to take all the classes that he recommended. Yay. Now I have to think about next semester. Do I want to take Compliers or Databases? Dave is teaching Compilers and Brian is teaching Databases. I guess I'll have to stop by again to talk to Dave tomorrow. Ashley is taking both, so either way, I'd have her with me which is good. I hope Jesse takes Graphics. I'm going to finish my To Do Lists and hopefully try to cross some things off.

3/30/08

I wish I wasn't sleeping alone tonight. Since he wants a throw back to a simpler time, that's how it goes. Even though we don't sleep well together, I'd like to wake up next to him since I know he's honest with me and will be there for me. And will in general take my side. I think it's security; I feel safe. I don't have to say anything, but I can feel him saying that it's going to be ok. But that's how it is. I guess things change. I just wish I knew why. Maybe then I could change them back to how I want them or when they were simpler. I'll be fine. Jesse says so. Right now, that makes it true.

3/29/08

So I was going to write something here, but I can't quite remember what. I went to see 21 tonight. It was good. I'm still waiting to hear Jesse's opinion. He inspired me to go. OK, so Ashley do you remember that time when I needed you to follow me everywhere and say over my shoulder "Ed, don't make bad decisions"? Well, you didn't actually follow me, but you were supposed to call/text me when I was making a bad decision (I think in this case it was Bryan) and you didn't so I ended up making some decision that shouldn't have been made. Let's not say this has happened again, but I wish you were looking over my shoulder. On the plus side, I know what I'm going to wear tomorrow. I don't know if Haley is going to be in town or not. I think I'm going to have to just go back to Greencastle. I don't like the sound of people snoring.

On a better topic, totally excited about watching Star Trek with John and Jameson's!!! Truly, can't wait! I've decided I have a signature drink, Thank you Costa Rica.

Transformers just started and all I want to do is go to sleep. I need to pack my shit. On the plus side I know what I want to wear so I know what to keep out. It's so fucking loud.

Just heard from Jesse...he says he liked it. Which makes me happy. Maybe I'll contemplate getting it for him when it comes out. OK, so I'm going to try to sleep while Transformers is on...I don't know how this is going to go.

3/28/08 (2)

So, things are still rather awkward. Huge yay. Watching Smallville. Tried to do some programming. It's always dark and I can't read anything. I'm seriously watching Smallville right now and I think it's rather worthless. I hope we're going out tonight to I get to meet more people, hopefully drink something and then go to bed in an alcohol induced stupor and sleep half the day away tomorrow. Great. Goodness, I find my life truly frustrating. Maybe I'll take a shower. I could straighten my hair. But then I would look decent and overall socially acceptable, which really isn't what I'm going for. AAhhhh!!!

I need my fab four!

3/28/08

Last night we went to some sports bar, which was fun. I met Joe, who he works with. Basically until it was time to go to bed, everything was fine. I was probably a little drunk and he tried some moves on me and I was pretty much like no. I know right now I can't, that's all there is to it. I can't. Now, I guess, I don't even know what's going on. And I don't want to deal with it. It makes me miss back in the day (which at this point, I believe was a Saturday) when I could call someone and it would calm me down and help me not do stupid things, which I haven't done yet anyway!

Overall, angry about more than one thing.

3/27/08

The plane I was on from Dulles to Binghamton was taxiing because we were waiting to get on the runway to take off. On my left was a small forest-type thing of trees. Suddenly there was an airplane fin emerging from the top of the trees. So there was another runway over there. A Southwest plane was going rather slowly, so it wasn't taking off yet. It was really cool...it looked some giant thing behind the trees. I could only see the fin and not the whole plane. It reminded me of the Ents from Lord of the Rings. Not the Ents in the movie, but the Ents I imagined. Then I got to thinking about how many things are bigger than people. We make so much stuff that's bigger than any human. I was just thinking it's kind of amazing. At some point, all this bigger-than-us stuff had to be put together. Probably by machines that are bigger than us too. And the machines had to be put together.

Anyway, I've decided I need to start writing in this little blog perhaps more often. I want my writing to reflect who I am. So that if someone is reading it, they understand me: my characteristics, my likes, dislikes, etc. Of course this is going to take some work and I'm not sure if I want to put that much work into writing. I mostly use this as a place to collect my thoughts and write them out so I can then mentally organize them. Or as a place to vent. And I guess so I don't have to repeat a story four times, I can just tell someone to go read my blog. Hmm.

Day .5-Day1
Everything seems to be going fine. We watched...what did we watch? Oh right, Pirates of Caribbean 3 and we ate Fritos. Good times. This morning we went to Wal-Mart because I wanted different pillows. He only has 2! Not acceptable in my life. I'm not really sure what we're going tonight. I might suggest we go to a movie. I think tomorrow night we're hanging with some of his friends, but I have no idea. I have seriously conflicted thoughts about video games.

In other news, I've decided to give myself a week and then just get over it. I'm not really sure what to do about facebook though. I wasn't on my account and my friends weren't on my account, so nothing happened from my end. Overall, I feel pretty torn. I know if this had happened to one of my friends, instead of me, I'd tell them to hurry up and get over it. So I think that's what I'm going to do. The person who would usually tell me that and I aren't really on great speaking terms. So that makes it difficult, since I don't take seriously what I tell myself. So...Malisa, Ashley, or Jesse, if you could tell me to hurry up and get over it because I'm being a killjoy and a grumpy Gus, I'd appreciate it.

I think I've written enough for right now. Let's see how tomorrow goes : )

3/24/08...again

So if you actually read my blog on a pseudo-regular basis or have enough intelligence to look down the screen and read what I wrote on perhaps the 16th about Founders' Day, I just want to clarify that yes, it would have a been a misnomer. I'm so glad I at least had some sort of inclining.

3/23/08

I'm so hurt right now. It's John and Maria all over again. I can't believe it. I'm not that demanding, all you have to be is honest. If you can't be yourself and honest around someone, then what's the point of being friends? I can't invest myself like this again. It evidently doesn't work. This emotional break is like an explosion. I need to be with people. Thank god for Bill Clinton and Malisa.

I have a post-it of my favorite quotes about lies. "The cruelest lies are often told in silence."

My normal friends and I, we don't touch. Those are my boundaries. Touching implies a comfort level I don't have with males, outside of Jesse and people I dance with. Damn it, never touch me!!! I was going to pull a, "you just want to be friends? Don't hug me, my friends and I, we don't hug. So don't even bother." Why didn't I? I can't wait for summer. I'll forget about perfect and I'll work on happy. I need to call Marques and see what he's doing and how much it's going to cost me to get good again. I need to fill that void where happy used to be. Well, the empty happy dancing void at least. I like to think I heal fast and anger helps that. Thankfully, I'm very angry, how fortuitous.

3/16/08

Today was Founders' Day. I feel empty. There is something missing. I feel as if I know what it is, but that if I had to name it, I would give it a misnomer. I think I also feel burnt out; like I'm merely going through the motions, but I have no feeling. Overall, this is very uncomfortable. It makes me think of questions like, what happens when we die? do we have souls? should I be worried about mine? why is nature so perfect? is this it? why am I still in pain? is it ever going to stop hurting? it doesn't feel like it.

3/13/08

I feel like I have a lot to talk about, but not enough time to do it in. I wrote a paper today which is really good. I have a couple more to write and I'm hoping to have them written by the end of the weekend.

I need to compose lots of words.

I'm trying to be healthy and by healthy I mean attempt to get enough sleep on a regular basis. Having said that, I'm going to go to bed and hopefully I'll write a meaningful post sometime in the near future.

3/10/08

bad. stressed. upset. breakdown. coming soon to a snarky near you.

3/5/08

hahaha.

3/4/08 (2)

Today I spent pretty much the entire day studying for HCI, which I had test in this evening. I think it went really well. Lately, I've had lots of things that I want to do and lots of things that I have to do, which hasn't left me any time for things I want to do. :( Anyway, tomorrow...I don't even know. I'm going to an ACM event about grad school. I don't think I want to go to grad school. I love college, but I just don't think I'm going to want to pay for it. Plus, I haven't seen any programs that I'm particularly interested in. Sure, all topics are kind of interesting, but nothing has really piqued my interest.

I can't wait for Friday...I get paid. This weekend I really need to get some papers done for Thede.

Bryan, what do you want for your birthday?

3/4/08

3/3/08 (2)

This is courtesy of Jesse: http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1090

Went to the Tony Blair talk today. It was really good. It was a really long wait leading up to the talk, but that's just how it is.

3/3/08

Things are fine; this is good. Well, most things. Anything that's not fine I've already taken care of with the respective person(s) involved. It makes me happy that people know me well enough that I don't have to say when I'm not fine. It makes me happy that people care enough to (insert phrase here). Sometimes I'm jealous, but not for the reasons you'd think, which is why it's so difficult sometimes. It scares me that when I feel one emotion it's so intense that it takes over my entire being and I can't shake that one feeling for a long while. I hope I'm eloquent enough.

3/2

We all know who this is for!

2/29/08

First and foremost, Happy Leap Day!

*Pants I wanted to wear: check
*Interview: check
*Financial Aid: check
*Spanish: check
*Comp Org: check
*Lunch:
*Pack:
*Phone Interview:
*Nordstrom (Naughty Monkey, wedge heels):
*Home:

2/27/08

I love my friends. This is, of course, a silly statement since if I didn't love them, we wouldn't be friends. But it's not living together or spending hours on end together that's so important. It's the little interactions that happen on a day-to-day basis that make me smile and thankful that my friends are in my life. This morning I saw Jesse on my way to class and we stopped to chat for no more than 20 seconds, but that made my entire morning. It was just easy, not forced or not fishing for things to talk about. Haley called today and she's doing really well which makes me so proud of her! We talked for about 10 minutes, just enough time to check in and see how each of us doing. I truly love how we've kept in touch. And we still matter to each other! She always cares about what I'm doing and I always care about how she's doing. It's the little things we tell each other, like how I'm planning on going to Plainfield tonight or how she practices nursing stuff on Noah; stuff that we'd know about each other if we lived in the same city.

Today little interactions make things worthwhile.

2/26/08

Some things are going really well in my life right now. Internships for example. I've had two phone interviews, one with Vera Bradley and one with Eli Lilly, and I need to schedule another one with Crowe for sometime this week or early next week. On Thursday is the DePauw Career and Internship fair, which I'll hopefully get some interviews at as well. Also on Thursday, I'm interviewing at ExactTarget. Next Wednesday I'm interviewing for an application development position at J.D. Byrider. Next Thursday I'm doing the on-campus interviews for Eli Lilly. Today I finally officially applied for the Eli Lilly internship online. *Since taking HCI, I loathe filling out forms that are poorly designed.*

We turned in the housing contract. I think it went really well. Porter has some concerns, but I can't think of anyone else to live with us that will be here on campus. I truly think it will be fine and that his concerns are a little unnecessary. Given this is college so you want to do everything you want, but sometimes you won't live with people that you know. Plus, he knows Jesse, he knows Ashley, we've met on multiple occasions, he and Malisa have met in more than one sober social situation, and he's had class with Curlee. I'm just not sure how he would feel like a sixth wheel. I don't understand why Jesse wouldn't at least talk to him and tell him we want to live with him. Yes, we need six people for group living, but he seems rather normal and I'm sure he's really fun. I don't think everyone understands that if one person pulls out, then we don't get group living. It's a very delicate situation and I wish Jesse had done something about like said to Porter, "Well how about we all go out to dinner as an informal get-to-know-you type thing?" Overall, I'm really excited about the group living. Dave wrote a beautiful letter and I'm really looking forward to living with everyone.

As far as school goes...hahaha. I hate writing petitions and I wish the Academic Petitions Committee would stop making me jump through hoops. I need to go get my professor's signatures tomorrow for everything. It would be so much easier if my original petition went through. I started working on my Data Str. project tonight. I think it'll go just fine. I think I'm flat out screwed in AI, I feel like everything is way over my head. I need to really focus while I'm in class. Last class I didn't do anything but listen to the lecture and I understand it much better, surprise. Scott has a voice that is easy to drift in and out from. Spanish is going pretty well. I'm really good at grammar, which is nice. I dropped French, I hated it, and golf. I didn't want to drop golf, but Comp Org meets at the same time and I'm hoping the Petitions Committee will approve my extension so I can sit on the class and then finish it at the end of second semester. I really love my free weights class though. I love having that time actually in my schedule to work out! I think I'll take another PE class, but only if it's with Bonnie. She is so funny!

I'm really excited to see Bryan (and everyone else!) this weekend. I feel slightly awkward about it though since we've gotten into so many fights over the phone without seeing each other. BUT things aren't awkward unless we make them awkward and I don't either one of us has any desire to do that, so I'm pretty sure everything will be fine.

I've been thinking and I have all these random ideas in my head of things to make and design and I've decided that I need to start drawing them out. I'm not a great drawer, so I'll just have to work on that. It'd be nice to have to remember all my ideas in my head and have them on paper so I can sift through them as I like.

I think that's probably enough for tonight. I'm going to bed...before midnight. This is just unheard of!!

2/25/08

The bitchy weird feeling left last night right after I fell in love with the CS Department, again. Thank goodness.

Thanks Bryan for telling me to get over it and just start checking things off of my to do list. And sorry for calling so early, I just remembered you had said you were working earlier this week.

So, now I'm going to hopefully do something productive and attempt not to be so angry that I take it on others.

2/24/08

OK, I'm going to edit this post later because I'm feeling weird about things and I really want to bitch about them. I just don't have time to do it right now. Grr. I want to sleep more.

Mainly I just wanted to write a quick post. I still need to design my free weight machine tracker thing. It would just make going to the gym so much easier. No more walking around with silly pieces of paper. That would be nice. Warm fuzzies. I think I'll see if Ashley, Malisa, or Jesse want to watch a movie tonight; I have some rentals at Blockbuster.

My mom "yelled" at me yesterday about the Target card. I wish I was a better daughter.

2/22/08

*great idea for an electronic tracking weight system. Sometime I'll actually write it out.

Stardust...me gusta.

"They say it's the biggest is all of Stormhold!"

2/18/08

I need to sleep. Last night was a huge mistake, albeit a productive one. Today was full of hard decisions, albeit necessary ones.

I truly hope that I have clean clothes or at least something to wear to class tomorrow and Wednesday. I've run out of room in my planner to write anything on today and tomorrow. I think Wednesday is better, but not for long as I just thought of something I need to put in there. Plus, I have a feeling Thursday is going to fill up very soon after that. Good thing I use those color felt-tip pens that make my planner pages so fun to look at! I think I'll throw some stickers on it tonight.

For a Better America

http://www.forabetteramerica.org/

A site co-started by one of Jamie's friends. Even though, let's face it, over half the people who actually read this are probably already a part of it. Please sign up, the guys behind the site have given this a lot of work. And make me your chum. My username is ed.

2/13/08

Sometimes I'll stop focusing on what I'm working on and my mind will wander into pain. I think of how it must feel to have you father die. Just gone. Even if you've been preparing for it. And then I realize how fun Bob was. I can't remember one single thing he said word for word, but he always commanded attention. He was charismatic and funny. He was the kind of person we need more of in the world, not less. When I think of myself losing someone like that, it hurts. My heart truly hurts. It tingles, in an awful not quite unbearable uncomfortable way. In such a way, that if I could, I would rip it out just so it would stop. The tingling makes it feel like my heart is moving in my chest, like it's banging against me wanting to break free and not feel it anymore because it's so much. It's going to slam me against a wall and my breastbone will break open and I'll scream in so much pain and it's all going to flow out of me in a gigantic almost never-ending stream of steaming black liquid. And then I'll be ok, maybe.

And there's Jim. I didn't get to see him last Sunday when my parents visited while they were in Chicago for the Purdue Women's game. My dad says Jim knew then that he was dying. When I think about it, my breath gets quick and shallow and everything hurts again and it's all I can do to not yell that pained yell of loss. I last saw him over the summer at his birthday party. It was fabulous, a real shindig. He was happy and with family and his friends, all the people that meant the most. He was always Big Jim. I hate seeing his sons sad. All of them are and were so full of life and fun. Always up for an adventure. The support of the family is impressive and so needed. Dad's family is always there for times like this. They've taught me family is always more important. You always come for family. It doesn't matter what else is going on, you're family which means you're always there.

2/10/08

To Do: 2/10

• E-mail Ellen, Kathleen, G4G, Claire, Rebecca, Katy
• French Reading, Homework, Writing
• Spanish (Friday and Monday)
• Golf (Friday and Monday, e-mail Sarah and Brittany for Monday assignment)
• AI, look at new homework and programming project
• Summer cover letters
• HCI, reading?
• PHP project
• WiCS
• ACM Prep

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzq3srbYEUY

drops

such a tragedy. truly awful. so many tears and shaking sobs.

I <3 the CS Dept.

Sometimes things really suck. And I like to say cliche phrases such as "I hate my life." I usually take that back as soon as I've said it, since I know it's not true. I truly love moments that happen when I get to sya things like "I love my life." It's even better when that moment is brought on by something out of my control. I get warm fuzzies.

2/4/2008

I'm just around. Last night may or may not have been a little or a lot crazy. Continuing to be productive. Woo hoo. No recent insights into my personality or life. Or at least none that I really want to share.

2/2/08

Hmm...still cranky. Life really hasn't helped with that. On the plus side, I can always count on my mom. She doesn't always take my side on things, so I know that when she does, I have a legitimate point. French is hard. But really just the reading, speaking, writing, listening, and understanding part. Which I think takes care of all of it.

I need to write out a giant to-do list and truly break things up into small parts so I don't feel so daunted and intimidated when I look at stuff. And I need to get together all my binders. They keep me nice and organized, yay.

1/29/08

uh...yeah. Well shit happens. But I get through stuff, no problem. I just have to be careful with myself.

1/27/09

InWic went really well. My talks and workshops all were well-received. That makes me so glad! Rush was difficult, even being in the kitchen. I feel exhausted and cranky. I miss dancing. I miss Bryan.

1/24/08

People are back from their international excursions, I'm writing a workshop and a couple speeches. Life is going well. It's stressful, but good. OR is over. But I need to start on my other classes. Currently, I'm worrying about the workshop and speeches, followed by RUSH. Then I will be able to focus on other things.

1/22/08

http://www.wikihow.com/Dress-Emo-for-Girls

hehe. I'm such a "hater."

1/21/08

The bitter is slowly subsiding but it's being replaced by a new feeling. I have no idea what this new feeling is or what to call it. It's just kind of there. And I don't know where I'm at in my life right now. I'm just so tired. I need sleep.

I'm so bitter.

IN YOUR FUCKING FACE!!

Here I am, not being bitter or holding a grudge! Haha. I'm just so happy that I've finished my OR homework. I worked on it all afternoon on Wednesday, all day on Thursday, and I came in early today to finish it. I did two extra problems the rest of the class didn't do because my professor is memory deficient and he probably didn't remember. But I did them all and I turned in 14 pages of homework today. And I told him I wanted it back on Monday before I take the final. Warm fuzzies, I think I'll go sleep.

Post-Its!

I got more Post-Its today. My mom bought me some yesterday at Staples, but they were bright yellow and that's really painful for my eyes to look at for too long. And we all know I look at Post-Its for a really long time. So I got some nice pastels and muted recycled Post-It colors. Yay.

I also took care of my boots today. I'm going to have them re-soled with rubber so that it doesn't come off, thank goodness. And then I will have to go back to the Coach store and get reimbursed. I love Coach. Their customer service is like Nordstrom. *Happy thoughts*

I have to call a couple Nordstrom stores and finc out if they have this hat in other colors. I like it so much I want more of them...and my mom likes it so much she's willing to get more of them.

Well, off to make some phone calls and work on a paper!

Hi Kendra!!!

Of course I remember Kendra!! haha. Your phone was a wonderful inspiration, but unfortunately for the rest of us, it's only available on Verizon. :( Plus, I'd really like it to be the size of my Blackjack when it's open.

We have to hang out and soon!! When do you work?

Phones

I had this inspiration. OK, maybe it was a sort-of inspiration. I was just thinking about what has to be in a phone. What makes the RAZR so thin and why can't my Blackjack be as thin. And why can't my Blackjack fold in half? I'd really enjoy that. A phone with a qwerty keyboard that folds in half. Like a flip phone. Is there already a phone like that? I guess now I'll have to go find out. I like flip phones. I'm not fond of slide phones. *Note to self: Learn how to manufacture mobile phone in basement/garage.

Chocolat

I love Chocolat. It does so many good things for me.

• I love Juliette Binoche and Carrie-Ann Moss. Oh and I suppose Johnny Depp. Yes, definitely include him.
• I am reminded of the subtle power (I meant that to be an oxymoron, you get to figure it out) of good company and the joy it brings.
• I love the orgasmic quality of food.
• I love beautiful night gowns that are actually gowns and not plaid flannel.
• I love strong women who have a core group of girlfriends to go to for fun and advice.

*Sigh*

Giant Liver

And then this prince in shiny and downright sparkling armor came to rescue me from the giant liver which was brandishing dangerous and altered tree branches. Each end of all the twigs on the branch had little hands and fists that looked like they could tear you apart. Very scary indeed. The brave and valiant prince fought the giant liver with a shrinking spray, very similar to Pam. Once shrank back to its normal size, the liver became very scared of the tree branch it had once used as weapon. It hopped over to me and jumped right back where it was supposed to be. The prince and I were bonded by this incident and we decided that we should go play mini-golf in celebration.

CS and I are Friends.

The great thing about CS is that it's new. People can still come up with new stuff and I still feel like I could do something new. And I don't have to set up a lab to do it. I can do it on my own. Or I can work with other people on an idea. Basically, I'm never bored. With biology, what am I going to do, find the femur on a rat? That is an exciting discovery. If I were into literature I could analyze Dickens' work for the millionth time. Yes, CS and I get along. And I'm really happy about that. When I'm happy I radiated that happy and make other people happy.

Really good day, outside of the manager at Blockbuster being a complete and utter douchebag. I could count the ways, but you'd stop reading. Other than that, very productive with things that don't actually need to get done. I need to learn how to draw and after that I need to learn how to use Fireworks or Photoshop or some other graphics program. While I'm at it, I should probably just learn about graphics in general. *Note to self: e-mail Chad Byers.* Goodness I really like my life right now. And Victoria's Secret pjs!!! Shot, I have to ask my mom what her big announcement is. I was supposed at dinner, but I forgot. I'll write it on a post-it...that will work!!

*Sigh* Big day tomorrow. Moving back to Greencastle. Hopefully I'll get to hang out with Katie O., that would be really really fun.

Dots

Things will be fine. They will all be just fine. I'm completely confident that everything will work out. I don't know if it will work out for the best, but it will work out.

Hmph

Sleeping did not help as much as I hoped it would. And I can't get ahold of Haley. She would tell me something I need to hear right now. I think I need to go to Family PharmaCare and get more Iodaform packing. Anyway, back to the issue here. I should talk to Haley, she knows the history. I could talk to Adrie, but I'm pretty sure she would chastise me for making a bad decision. I'm going to work on pushing it out of my mind and not dealing with it until I absolutely have to.

On a lighter note, I like soup. I need to e-mail Bayo.

...uh...

omg. what have I done? I'm reeling. I just...oh oh oh. This is totally not as bad as I'm making it seem. right. good. and I'll be fine tomorrow. perfect.

Capri Blue

Not much is happening right now. I went to Greencastle yesterday to see lots of people, which was really fun. I get to start working and being productive again. Like today, I was very productive. It made me happy. And stressed. I suddenly feel very very stressed. I have to finish my classes. And I want to finish them as soon as possible.

We'll see how tomorrow goes.

New

new year, new things, new news. I love how news is just new things, making news the plural of new. : )