Ow fuck , I just stubbed my toe and it hurts like a bitch!!

So, I feel like I have nothing to write about today. I get paid. I'm going home. Tomorrow I'm going to Chicago.

Bryan got a new bed. It's still up in the air on how I feel about it.

I have to pack and do laundry and maybe clean my room. Ulgh. My nose is sniffly.

Dog!

This is my dog...she's cute...I miss her. Anyway, I took this pic on my phone and it turns out I can blog from my cell phone! Overall, very exciting.

*Happy Happy Happy*

My mommy loves me lots and lots!!

I'm thirsty.

"Wild Honey"

Life seems to be going really well. I've worked a lot of stuff out.

I'm on hold at my doctor's office to see if I need a referral for my surgery that I'm getting today. I guess I'll do it either way since it's already scheduled. It doesn't hurt that much right now, but the pain from Friday to Saturday was way too much for me to go through again and come out without committing any felonies.

I have an urge to cook things. I think I'll make dinner when I go home tonight. Maybe I'll call Mom and see if I can use the Target card for grocery shopping. Plus I'll get to see Deb. And the new everything my parents got! I heard huge widescreen monitor. I'm flipping jealous. And Dad got a Sony Vaio. Basically, Mom is amazing and my parents rock my world.

So...Friday the iPhone comes out. I'm feeling some testing at Cingular. Just to see if I like it more than my Blackjack.

In the meantime, I have this thing with naming my posts song titles. I think that's really all the news I have for right now.

Seriously?

As Curlee would say, "Seriously?" And please imagine it being said exactly how he says it!

Truly I wish people would stop thinking that they a much bigger part of my life than they actually are. Drunk decisions don't lead to bad sober decisions, I'll have this thing called common sense on my side.

I'm done. Some things just aren't sexual and it's possible I'm over it.

Crux: lots of anger. I need to talk to someone. I wonder if Ashley's available. As usual, I wish Haley were here.

"Born under a bad Sign"

I think I have once again made a bad life decision. God damn it, where's Ashley when I need her? Oh that's right...she was at Fiji. Anyway, I'm pretty sure it was a good party. Silly Curlee, he can't remember the last thing he remembers.

OK, crux: bad life decisions and I don't know how they'll turn out.

Pain

I am in lots and lots of pain. I played in the rain and I stubbed my toe on the stairs coming back inside. This action pushed the already ingrown nail further into the skin causing it to bleed. This has caused me lots and lots of pain. So much pain, that I have taken 2 ibuprofen. In normal situations, such as when I'm sick, I only take medication if I'm dying. I have a high tolerance for pain. I know this from shots, infected cysts, huge blisters that cause the feeling of knives in the soles of my feet, along with numerous other injuries. I was attempting to go to sleep, but instead was brought to tears from pain. This is not good. So, I don't plan on sleeping and I will be driving to Lafayette around 7 am to hopefully make an appointment with a podiatrist. It's funny, I had an ingrown toe nail surgically removed a little over a year ago...from the same toe. This time, the nail is coming out from the root. It will be more painful and it will take longer to heal, but hopefully the ingrown toe nail won't come back. I asked last time if the nail was going to be ingrown again and I was reassured that it wouldn't be. Lies. Lies that cause pain. Physical pain.

Love to Jesse

and hugs.

That's all.

Breathe (2 AM)

I always want people to win. Maybe win isn't quite the word. I find this feeling especially apparent in movies. I always want the characters to come out on top, clean, successful, whatever. Oh wait, the term I'm looking for is happy.

I remember speech class in high school. It was a good class. I can't recall who taught it, but he said that, in general, people want you to succeed. It's just as embarrassing to watch someone be embarrassed. You're always rooting for whomever you're watching to come out of everything happy.

That's what I want. I want to come out of everything happy. But here's the catch, I'm not really sure what makes me happy. Or who makes me happy. I have lists of things that make me happy, but they're one time instances. You can't rely on mac n cheese your whole life to make you happy and keep your quality of life where you want it.

I've come to this conclusion: I don't like drugs. The illegal ones. They scare me. Not just "Oh my what's around that dark corner," but seriously scared. I start thinking about one mistake and how it can lead to every other mistake that will eventually ruin my life.

I did that once, the predicting of the rest of my mistakes. It was a car accident. It was raining and I had had my licence for...not very long. I rear-ended a van who in turn rear-ended a truck. Of course, none of our bumpers happened to be at the same height so they proved to be completely useless. I was on the way to some marching band event and I was supposed to pick up Adrie. I showed up a little late and I was an absolute wreck. Adrie sat me down and asked me what was wrong. She knew something was wrong from the messages I left her. I told her about the car accident and by the time I was done going through all the mistakes that I was going to make based on this car accident, my life was turning out pretty bad. I had this image of me when I'm upper-middle-aged, I work at a fast food restaurant and I live in a squalid apartment. (Yes, I actually know the word squalid and I did not use a dictionary or thesaurus). Thanks goodness Adrie has this uncanny ability to talk sense into me. Somehow, she convinced me that I could still go to college even if I got in a car accident. Yeah, sometimes my brain works a little fast and connects things without telling people what the connection is.

That was a fun anecdote. Main points to take away from that story: My brain sometimes thinks too quickly, my brain thinks very far into the future, my brain makes connections that most people don't follow and I don't usually take the time to explain them.

I think I need to stop seeing 3 am so often. It's around 3 and 4 that I start feeling weird. Like I'm not good enough. And really scared. And tired of doing everything that I do. Then I start to hate things and worry and miss people. I wish I had known my parents when they were young. Or known them on a non-parental basis. I thought about that today. Do your parents ever stop being parental? I assume no since at any time in your life, whatever you're going through they've already been there...twice. I like that. I always want to be able to call my mom and have her listen to me. She won't give me advice unless solicited, thank goodness. But every time she does give advice, somehow it's right and it works. Freaky.

The End. Good Night.

Claymation Puppets

Yesterday, Curlee bought Robot Chicken Season 1 on DVD. We've been watching it now for a very long time. I want real people. And when I say real people, I mean actors who pretend to be real people. I hope Curlee gets a new themesong stuck in his head before I kill him. Ooops...that slipped. Curlee is going to teach me how to play video games. It will be fun, I have no doubt.

SeaHorses

I have salsa tonight. I should go pick up my check. I have to write an essay. I should shower and attempt to look decent. Looking decent will take too long and I have too much to do today.

I don't think I'm going to like this week.

I don't really want to go to salsa tonight. *sniffle*

Devil's Advocate

I just watched The Devil's Advocate. I scare so easily. I'm afraid to be left alone in my house. I'm afraid of sleeping right now. I'm afraid of hanging my hand off of my bed. I feel like I'm scared of the dark.

It was cute though, I'm not exactly sure why Bryan didn't want to stay, but I can guess. I'm sure he thought I was going to make some sort of move on him, but I don't want that right now. I really just want to sleep with someone in my house right now. And I want to sleep with someone who isn't going to hit on me or ask me for favors or proposition sex in a parking lot. But I didn't have the energy to express that at the time. Plus my room is kind of messy.

But seriously, I'm freaked the fuck out right now. I don't think I'll be going to sleep until my body physically can not handle being awake any longer.

Tangerine

There are those times when you probably shouldn't get drunk and there are the times when it's ok. I have trouble telling which time is which. Thus leading me to get drunk when I really shouldn't.

Other than that, I had a wonderful night of dancing. And watching some Scrubs. Note to Ashley: Scurbs might be ok when you're drinking, the jury is still out.

Joel did slightly disappoint me. I was hoping to hang out with him today, but I guess not since he has quite a bit to do. Of course I think that's code for "I made plans and forgot about them last night when I made plans with you, sorry." It would make a lot of Joel-sense. Here's a pet peeve: if you say you're going to call to hang out or do something or whatever, even if you can't hang out, still call! That way you can tell me what's up and I can make other plans. Good idea, eh?

Maybe I'll take a shower, head to the hub and see if any movies came in Malisa's mailbox today.

Letting Go

Jesse says I need to let go and he's right. I want things that just can't be mine. Tragic, I know. I feel so cliche.

I want things that I shouldn't want. Things that would make me feel grown up and I'm not ready to feel grown up. I want to play with puppies all day.

I don't think I'll be home for Father's Day or my mom's birthday. I'm such a bad daughter, but I don't think I can handle that much driving in a weekend.

OK, off to bed for the night.

"When something's not right, it's wrong"

There is something wrong. Very very wrong, I can tell. I don't know what it is. I just feel weird and I don't like it. I feel like I haven't let myself take an emotional/mental break in awhile. Last summer there was Javi and Pete. Two boys that were oh-so-fun to deal with (afterall, hindsight is 20/20). This summer I get Bryan issues. Well, except this time I'm not sure what I did. Oh well, moving on.

Maybe for normal people, some of these random changes would be good, but for anyone who knows me, this isn't like me at all.

I want to be outside. I want to go running. I want to go on walks. I want to roll around in the grass. I want to drink beer or at least chick-type malt beverages with no intention of getting drunk.

I know these sound like really great things, but that's not how I am. Plus they come with a weird feeling and that's not good. I can't even place the weird feeling. I just know that Costa Rica will be a welcome break from everything. Maybe I'll work on not thinking and trying to enjoy myself and not plaster on smiles when I don't feel like smiling even if it's what people want me to do so they feel better.

I had a nice talk with Ashley tonight outside of our duplex. Tomorrow we should make lunch and then eat outside. That would be fun, I'll suggest it tomorrow if she doesn't already read it and tell me it sounds good.

Things That Are Just On My Mind

• Birth control
• Spiders
• Nicole Miller and Susan Kline
• Wine
• Chaise-lounge
• the cute dress I plan on wearing tomorrow with the necklace that goes with it
• Agronomy Office
• doing things Naked!!
• that Glory Hallelujah song in Saint Ralph and in a House episode
• How bored I am of TV and technology

Nothing gets crossed out

I feel like I have a lot on my mind and I want to write about it, but I'm not really sure where to begin. And once I begin I'm not really sure where to go with it. For about half of the things on my mind, that's all they are. They're just there in my mind, but I'm not even sure of my thoughts about them.

I still need to clean my room! It's making me angry it's so messy. I suppose I should start with making the bed...that always helps. Yay for a nice flat surface to throw clothes on.

Last night I spilled spaghetti sauce on my linux shirt *sad face* I have to wash that.

I had a to do list yesterday and nothing got crossed out. I'm so good at wasting time. I wonder if that could be a profession...I wish.

Spell it out!

Truly, Bryan just doesn't get it. I've spelled it out at least twice that I distinctly remember. Frustrating.

I went to Indy tonight with Malisa and had dinner with Ducky followed by ice cream. I miss Ducky. Lucky for me, we're going to see more of each other the week after next!!

I have the "I don't want to sleep alone" feeling right now. I wish Haley were here. I wish Jesse were here. They know how to fix things. Or at least tell me what I need to hear.

I think Malisa and I are taking a road trip this weekend. It'll be fun. We should probably find an address so we "know" where we're going.

I love t-shirts. Plain colored ones. That fit nicely.

To Do:

• Laundry
• Finish stuff for Mom
• Some ITAP stuff
• Starbucks, e-mail Hank
• find money and/or win lottery
• pack
• get dessert stuff for D Chi

Thai

Mental note to self: make this, it looks good. http://afridgefulloffood.typepad.com/my_weblog/2007/05/knee_surgery_ev.html

...addition

oh yeah, Adrie got married this weekend. It almost made me want to watch Wedding Crashers. But then I remembered that Wedding Crashers wasn't the movie that I wanted it to be...it was supposed to be better. So I watched The Devil Wears Prada instead, followed by John Tucker Must Die, and Freaky Friday. Love movies while working. Back to mapping things out on paper!!

Header

Doing work. Still being sadistic. Great times. Want to get my hair cut...soon. I think I'll straighten my hair tonight, enjoy the length while I have it. Or at least see how long it is.