I Pay Attention in Class

Interesting dealings...E asked how I was doing (hi Kendra!!). Haha, boy problems. My boy problems almost turned into an entire mental breakdown. *Laughing*

I read a lot of The DePauw today. I was proud of myself. And I drank lots of water. As it turns out, there are no restrooms in the basement.

I feel exhausted. I've decided to play rugby, which is quite tiring at 4 in the afternoon. I always have Operations Research homework and I don't understand most of it. I need to finish DG stuff and e-mail Dawn for picture and Melissa for Rho Gammas.

I wish I had something useful or insightful to say, but those days require a little more sleep. I think I might be getting sick : ( I've been coughing a lot and I think I'm losing my voice. Both things that are not so good.

Champagne

Perhaps watching Marie Antoinette was not the smartest of choices. Now all I want to do is drink champagne all day, preferably before noon and then after it.

"I drink champagne when I'm happy. And when I'm sad. Sometimes I drink it when I'm alone. When I have company I consider it obligatory. I trifle with it if I'm not hungry and drink it when I am. Otherwise I never touch it. Unless I'm thirsty."

Tequila

I'm still upset. Last night didn't make me any less upset, but for a few hours I was really happy and I forgot how upset I am.

Literally, I saw Caroline in the bathroom getting ready and I just about lost it. And then I went to go find tequila. Tequila is my angry drink, ask anyone who knows me.

Now I'm just tired of everything. I feel emotionally exhausted. I feel so indifferent right now. I guess those are today's emotions. "Today has been brought to you by exhaustion and indifference."

On a side note, sure no news is good news, but it's probably not good when someone comes storming into your room quite angry about what you last did. Just thought that what I had to say probably wasn't appropriate to put in a comment. Plus I'm not that much of a pussy that I can't say it to your face and that way you had a chance to respond.

I guess I'll go watch Marie Antoinette, the queen of indifference. Let me know if someone wants to do something. I kind of want to go to Avon...so...

Crisis Averted?

I think I'm doing ok. I could be wrong though. But for the most part, it seems that I slept well last night. Things didn't really go as I had planned; I haven't decided yet whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. I did have my mind made up about what I was going to say and what I was going to do. Perhaps I wasn't thinking that rationally. But right now, finding fault with myself isn't productive. Plus, it's not what I need. I suppose I'll see what Jesse has to say.

I'm pretty sure Haley is coming in tonight and I'm really excited to see her...or at least let her sleep on my couch. Or the guest room. Whichever, it'll do me good.

Fury

I'm so furious right now. I don't think I can even put it into words. Only a few select people will probably even find out what it's about. Cold rage.

Icy and Ill-Tempered

I don't have anything insightful or juicy to say today. I have a to do list. Which is really like every other day.

You know those songs that you just can't decide how they make you feel? I haven't decided how I feel about about Hey There Delilah. I've been listening to it for about 6 months now and I don't know how it makes me feel. I used to listen to it with Jesse because it was his and Kate's song. Even then I didn't know how it made me feel. It would calm me down, but then I was never sure if I was sad afterwards or inwardly happy. And now I feel like I associate the song with the entire breakup and that makes me sad, but I still love the song. I guess it feels weird to me to love a song associated with so much unhappiness. And I still don't know how I feel afterwards!!

Oh god, I'm being hit so hard by stuff that's happened. I can feel bad things coming on. Very soon I'm going to be very angry, cry a lot, and demand explanations. I can't believe I do this to myself. I feel so ridiculous, like I'm fragile or something. Which might be true. But seriously, at this point, that should be pretty well-known. Anger.

To Do

• Make bed
• set up desk
• set up tv
• go to blockbuster
• scent refills
• binders
• be so busy I forget to be upset
• rip dvds
• see if Jesse wants to go to Plainfield.
  

Spinning, a lot

Sometimes things happen to me because I'm here. It seems that I've actually acclimated myself to that. Probably not the best thing for me, but I've never really paid attention to that before so why start now?

Salsa was actually quite good; better than expected at least. Kyle and I took a video of us on my phone to see the quality of picture on my phone. The only way it could balance on its own was on its side. So the video is nice and to the side and I have no idea how to fix it. If anyone has any ideas of an editing program that would let me rotate the picture, please let me know!! Next time we'll test out my camera and see how that works.

Messy

*Sigh* my life. Love it. On the plus side, my hair looks great right now. And I'm wearing makeup which is even more impressive. Salsa tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. I'm not excited about it. I don't usually hold grudges, but if the same things happens enough, eventually I'll get angry about it. And then I'll stay angry about it. Like, for example, now! I'm just surprised that I'm going to have to start treating some people differently because they think they're so incredibly special. *rolls eyes* Oh no, I'm not bitter about this.

Thanks Kendra. I don't think we'll need to bring it this time. Maybe to Kyle, but you don't have to do that, I'll take care of that one. lol.

Thoughts from my Day Planner

Many women measure how much you care for them by how angry you get with them and how good your fights are. Maybe the more someone cares, the angrier they can get. Not because they like to be upset with you or mad at you, but because they only want what's best for you. It's as if, if they are able to show enough emotion to you to yell and be angry, then, theoretically, they trust you which translates into caring.

Perhaps it is absolutely true that before someone else can love you, you have to love yourself. At the risk of sounding conceited, you can't fully accept and appreciate someone else's love until you fully accept and appreciate yourself, thus knowing that you deserve the love someone else is giving to you.

Sometimes I wish I didn't attract assholes. I think I'll be done for awhile. I've seen a lot of feelings over the past few days; hurt, happiness, and love. It's just made me scared. I don't have the emotional capacity to feel so much emotion and if I had to feel that much, I fear that I would explode.

I know I'm actually a complex person with a great capacity to do a great many things, but sometimes I really do feel horribly simple. As if I truly am only able to feel one thing at a time and that one feeling must run its course before I can move on to the next one. Here's an explanation I like: Instead of being emotionally shallow and only having room for one emotion, maybe my singular emotions are so deep and intense that I can only concentrate on one at a time without causing physical repurcutions. That seems nice, like I really do have feelings.

I should start a movie journal. Sometimes I forget titles. This is a problem.

There are times when I wish I believed in god and had a big book full of beautiful prose and fanciful stories to tell me what is true and how to act. I suppose I have half of that in Emily Post's Etiquette. I wish I belived in something so strongly that I didn't question it and gave my life to it. But I don't. Rereading what I just wrote, I realize I don't want to follow anything unknowingly and I think I'm unable to give my life or my heart fully to anything. Does that make me especially selfish?

I wish broken things could be mended. I wish broken glass could be pieced back together to fit perfectly again. But that's impossible.

Ugly.

mer. I'm in Ohio. Jesse's a dork sometimes. But we love him anyway. hehehehehehe.

Moving on. Things are dramatic. I don't know how I feel about drama. I love drama when it doesn't involve me. Like when it happens on the other side of the house. Not when I'm oddly involved.

I'm going to go find out what the ugliest words in the english language are. I'm curious.

Cacophony
Faltulent
Phlegmatic
Plutocrat
Brobdignagian (personal favorite)
Crepuscular
Jukebox
Quahog

Things that Start with the Letter "W"

It feels weird when people I know get married. When I say people I know, I'm specifically speaking to people I went to high school with. Adrie got married. That in and of itself was weird. But that isn't really the wedding I'm talking about. Catherien Taylor and Jason Edwards got married!! Very cute and it was one of those things you always knew was going to happen.

Anyway, I was looking at the wedding pictures and so many people I know were in the wedding. They were all swimmers! I feel like it makes me almost sad because I'm not really close to anyone that I went to high school with. Exception: Adrie. I'm talking Missy Wilson, Robin Piercall, Rodrigo Iglesias, Matt Williams. Strange to me. I guess it's because Catherine and Jason stayed in West Lafayette. I feel like I left as soon as I was given a chance and I haven't looked back. In face, I'm pretty sure I've cut most ties to West Lafayette, excpet for my parents. That's my choice. Maybe I just get tired of places easily. *Sigh*

I remember in high school when Jason and Kristen were dating. Oh goodness, how awkward to think back on it. PDA in pools is soooo not right! For sectionals her senior year, she was warming up at lunch or maybe after school and she couldn't find her "stroke." I think she made Jason get in and swim with her. It was riduculous!

I suppose the main idea, which I haven't really said at all, but have been thinking is that I'm bad at keeping friends. I suppose that would make me a bad friend. Truly, I feel like I just don't keep friends for very long. Isn't that terrible? The friends I have now, I want to keep! I don't like this feeling. It's making me unhappy and I'm now furrowing my eyebrows and I'm sure I don't look very nice right now.

Well, I have to go find a pay phone and hope that I remember the pin number of my local calling card so I can call Emily and we can figure out where we want to go see Transformers. I'm way out in Escazu and a taxi to downtown is really expensive, but I don't know where the bus goes. I really don't want to go past Coca Cola, because I've heard it's really dangerous. I don't want Emily to have to take a 4,500 taxi out here. Even though the Mulitplaza de Escazu is really gorgeous. Hmm...I love thinking out loud!

Todo Tiene Su Final

So I haven't written in awhile. But I've been trying to do things like speak Spanish and figure the San Jose bus system. I'm now back at the Courtyard Marriott in Escazu. I'll be staying here tonight, tomorrow night, and Monday night. After that I'm headed back home for a couple days.

I love being here in Costa Rica, but I'm really happy to be going home. I miss everyone in the States. If everyone could be here in Costa Rica, I think that would make my life a lot better! I love speaking Spanish and I know my Spanish has gotten so much better since being here! I have actual conversations in Spanish with waiter, taxi drivers, random guys I meet in bars. On the bar topic, I'm very proud of myself because I didn't go out a lot while I was here in Costa Rica.

When I was in Peru, I went out every night and then I got sick! Here, I just didn't feel the need to frequent the bar scene. I've come to conclusion that a bar is a bar. They don't really differ that much from each other. I have this fear that if I go out, I'll drink enough to make me drunk and stupid which will successfully support the stereotype of the ugly drunk American; something I don't want to do! Given there were girls in the program who are that stereotype and it got so old hearing about how they were drunk every night.

I went whitewater rafting Thursday and it was so much fun!! I've decided that I want to continue rafting and that I'm going to learn how to kayak so that I can go down the rapids by myself in a kayak. Sigh!

I'm actually really tired, I was out kind of late last night. Night!